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thusang

Written by dispatch from the blog real talk on 11 May 2011
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Hi there bloggers I have a problem wondering if you can help. I ve been datin my bf for long and this year we were planning to move in 2gether and he evn asked my mother for permission and all was well and in jan we found out I was pregnant with his child of cause, all was well he was in we decided I would move in permanently end of March so that we can start preparing for the baby.

A couple of weeks later I found out that he was datin this gal i confronted him and he said they just friends nothing more I didn’t believe him so I started going through his msg and emails and I found out that they only met in dec and he told her that he has a steady galfrnd but doesn’t mind having fun and this gal also has a man an a child whom she lives with full time and he even told her that he’s the who bought me my car (which is not true) and so on and so on and she kept on goin abt how she’s tired of been second best in his life and how she wish she was me, fine I decided to ignore it for a while cause he said he will stop speaking to her told her on the phone in front of me that they cant be close anymore because am now pregnant with his child and he needs to focus on us.

a couple of weeks after that I was at my bf and all was well I slept at him and we discussing that his going to meet his family later and tell them about the pregnancy and I must try and find out how much my family would charge him for lobola

i went to work as usual on that day and normaly he comes arnd to my work to drop of the house keys so when I left he said il see you at arnd 2 to come drop the keys he kissed me goodbye and I left later on I call him so see if he was coming he was funny and said no and that I must move back to my house and from then on we started fighting I went to his place after work regardless of him not givin me the keys

I waited at the lady next door his unit we are friend and we kept on cailing him and he said his not coming home and he never wants to see me again I left later on and apparently after I left he came in with the gal that said she wished she was me

I came back later that week and he tried to kick me out the house but I refused and I slept over at him but he decided to go sleep on the couch he wouldn’t let me touch or anything everytime I would touch him he went mad like a crazy person i cried and next to him and he did nothing at all it was like I wasn’t there he just went to sleep

I went to my place the following day and came back after 2weeks which when I got there he demanded that I pack my staff and leave I refused sayin we must talk how can he just change over night that and I even suggested we call in the elders or go get help he got angry and beat me up and threw me out like a dog

ever since that day he told me I must stay away from him that he wants nothing to do with and the child, its like he hates me he cant stand me, everytime I sms him he says just stay away from him and he blocked my numbers I cant even call him he smses me telling me he loves that gal and so on, his neigbours are now telling me that he doesn’t talk to them like before and that his always with that gal and her child and has neglected his on blood and me.

I don’t know what to do its been three months now and his still the same I had a dream and in that dream I was taking muthi out of this gals handbag so I decided to go and see someone like a sangoma and they told me that this gal has used muthi to get him and everytime she sleeps with him she puts on strong muthi and that she had bewitched me so that my bf can hate me the way he is doing

I don’t know what to I have asked for advice everywhere some say I must do the same to her but I don’t believe in that and some say I should go to zcc it will help me I will get my man, what should I do please help am actually thinking of going to zcc cause I don’t know what to do anymore.



78 Comments

thatohatsi
11 May 2011 15:14

eish gals with Muthi neh!

I just thinking how  to help you.

BigMama
11 May 2011 15:15

iyhooooooo hectic. You are working gal, you have a family that loves you (l think), you can manage to take care of the baby. Just forget about him and move on with your life. If he is yours, he will come back with his front tail between his legs. There is more to life than just a man.

l do not believe in muthi and all that. Pray for him, and stop acting desperate. You can do better without him. All the best gal.

VusiK
11 May 2011 15:24

I'll be back to read ... must work a little,

ntoko
11 May 2011 15:42

Gal ur story has touched my heart, what ever is happening in ur life is similar to what happened to me but i will not focus on me rather spare u an advice as a matured woman, Am a christian i believe in the Father,theSon and the Holy spirit, The book of Genesis in the beginning says"
 God created heaven and earth therefore what is joined by God no man will set apart,well its reali hard to council a pregnant woman because what ever u say comes and go she feels more for the baby therefore sister take all ur worries and burdens to God for he will carry for u, Go to church speak to ur Pastor ask him to hold a special prayer for u also pray everyday at any given tym dnt let the stress control u,gal u need to be strong for your bby, if u believe that a lady used muti for ur man ,Muti was made by man,Man was made by God therefore pray God will never leave or nor forsaken u muti will fade away and ur man will come back to like how Bigmama described him gal we've seen these things before i will remember u in my prayers just have faith.Ur man is having fun it will never last.

rainbowjnb
11 May 2011 15:55

Yhu sisi, hectic man!  My heart bleeds for you.

Personally I don't believe in muthi and going down that route will only complicate your life and that of your baby's more.

I would say he has made his choice, stupid or not and for you to accept it and move on.  You and the baby deserve a good, strong man who will love and cherish you.  Not someone who beats you up and kicks out like a dog.

Thank God that he has shown you what kind of man this is before you had pledged yourself to him in marriage. 

Take advantage of the support structure you have around you, grow strong, have your baby and keep your head held high. 

vinc
11 May 2011 15:58

Praying is the best medicine, trust me you dont want to go to anyone for consultation. I have my dearest cousin, whom i love so much who is now very confused becoz of this consulting ababholofithi and sangomas to make her hubby love her. 

Pray hard sisi, like others have said if he is yours he will come back. You sound like someone who can look after herself. If you can afford a place to stay and look after the baby, then forget about him for now.

VusiK
11 May 2011 16:06

Sisi ... How far along are you?

maud
11 May 2011 16:12

my late mom use to say  God will never give you a man that does not belong to you. if we were to marry the first man we dated , trust me there will be no step sons, daughters and all. so Sisi that man is your ex, you need to focus on your future i know how paifull it is seeing someone you love slowly dreaping away from you. 
always remember to always let go ,never hold on to a pass that had already left your presence.

thatohatsi
11 May 2011 16:14

gal I always pray this prayer if I feel that the devil is trying me in my life;if God is by your side no witchcraft or anyone can be against you; & everything we ask from God in the name of Jesus shall be given to us. all the best

PRAYER FOR HEALTH AND HEALING

Father, in the name of Jesus, I confess your Word concerning healing. As I do this, I believe and say that Your Word will not return to you void, but will accomplish what it says it will. Therefore, I believe in the name of Jesus that I am healed, according to 1 Peter 2:24. It is written in Your Word that Jesus Himself took our infirmities and bore our sicknesses. Therefore, with great boldness and confidence I say on the authority of that written Word that I am redeemed from the curse of sickness, and I refuse to tolerate its symptoms.

Now, Father, because I reverence and worship You, I have the assurance of Your Word that the angel of the Lord encamps around about me and delivers me from every evil work. No evil shall befall me, no plague or calamity shall come near my dwelling. I confess the Word of God abides in me and delivers to me perfect soundness of mind and wholeness in body and spirit from the deepest parts of my nature in my immortal spirit even to the joints and marrow of my bones. That Word is medication and life to my flesh for the law of the Spirit of life operates in me and makes me free from the law of sin and death.

I have on the whole armor of God, and the shield of faith protects me from all the fiery darts of the wicked. Jesus is the high Priest of my confession, and I hold fast to my confession of faith in Your Word. I stand immovable and fixed in full assurance that I have health and healing now in the name of Jesus.

ntoko
11 May 2011 16:24

Halleluya Thato will copy and paste the prayer 2moro got to go now

maud
11 May 2011 16:29

AMEN THATOHATSI AMEN MY SISTER,the devil its a lier
sleep tight my lovely friends,

maud
11 May 2011 16:30

AMEN THATOHATSI AMEN MY SISTER,the devil its a lier
sleep tight my lovely friends,

thatohatsi
11 May 2011 16:32

bye gals will chart tomorrow again. I`m also leaving

VusiK
11 May 2011 19:05

Sisi ... I don't wish to be too long ... lord knows you are burdened ...

I get the impression you actually wish to reconcile with your man and live the dream you were planning ... in your head.

Are you capable of forgiving him in the event that our opinions and suggestions help accomplish your goal .... If you are not going to move past him and his indiscretions and disrespect of you, you really ought to consider moving on.

I say this because women are incredibly unforgiving and hold on to grudges like door prizes most of the time.

If what we have to suggest does not assist you .... it does not ... if it does and when thngs are stabilizing ... you pull these episodes in life from behind the toilet seat to bash him on the head ... simply because you can ... We cannot but help anticipate that we will be back here soon with you crying.

If you ... when in good space ... will not put this point out of your reality to guilt him ... we might be burning daylight

i have a suggestions for you.  They are radical ... and shocking... however. they rarely if ever fail ....

i appreciate you remaining anonymous ... so I do not expect response.

VusiK
11 May 2011 19:21

If your pregnancy is early ... first trimester .... do yourself a favour ... terminate and move on proudly!

If it is beyond termination .... it's too late, make the best use of what you have in relation to what you want to accomplish and where you wish to go in life.

Men are essentially big babies ... they reckon they are big, strong and tough ... their ultimate weakness is their under-developed egos ... which they manage to compensate for with their penises, money and assets ... this is not a strength... it is actually a weakness ... threaten his ego and his manhood the right way .. you stand a chance.

The only way to jerk this boy of a man whose child you carry is to threaten his title to his child. It is impossible to effect him emotionally because he is aware that you are vulnerable, desperate and in panic.

Go to social welfare or home affairs ... request whatever documents you need to put the baby up for adoption ... this is the hard part .... (I am assuming you have no plans to complete the adoption) ..... THIS IS A RUSE!

Present him with the fact that you have thought about his actions ... in light of the reality that he has no plans of being near you, and wants you out of his life ... you wish to put the baby up for adoption ... because if he is going his own way ... you have no intention of having any part of his presence and memory in your life ... you need his consent to sign off for adoption prior to YOUR baby (singular) being born. You are exclusively in control here ... you disarm anything he has to say because as long as the baby is in your body ... there's nothing he can do to extend his manhood or rights into your reality.

He has no say ... it is the law .... at this point .. he's so far out in left field he's out of the game ... and you hold all the cards ...

Any man will start thinking about the crap he's put himself in at that pint .... men are like 600 pound gorillas ... they like flaunting their power ... and you will have taken that away .. and it will be his fault ....

if you get emotional (and reduce your participation to his level)... you will lose this particular battle ... only cold calculated logic works in this space.

The other woman will be ecstatic ... but I will bet you within a month or so ... he'll come crawling back ... be ready with your armament of demands (you must be reasonable) ... and then leave town with him ... all the way to the other end of the country or planet ... new start ... new beginning ... nothing from home can follow you ... or him.

At that point ... Your destiny will be yours ...

This works .... it is up to you to decide how you implement it.

VusiK
11 May 2011 19:24

If my suggestion backfires and he signs .. make sure he signs a resignation of parental rights form ... A lawyer can draw one up for you ... or you can get one at home affairs ...

Take your baby .. LEAVE! .. permanently ...

But hit him with child support claims ... resignation of parental rights still entitles you to child support ... that is the baby's right .. not yours.

VusiK
11 May 2011 19:29

BTW ... when asking him to resign parental rights ... do not tell him you're still going to klap him with Child Support ...

Let that come when baby is born ....

His defense will be ..."but I resigned my rights" .... the Magistrate's say ... "You did not resign your obligations" ....

This way ... should you meet a great man later .... the path to you and your child incorporating in his life requires ZERO consultation .... no biological father to get in the way, consult, visit baby, or anything .... He'll be out ... and you'll be free to contrl your own decision ....

I hope my radicalism helps empower you.

khabzette
11 May 2011 19:35

at times when you hear of other people's stories you reminded of how human we are and how ultimately God has power over our situations. I'm in a similar situation,and i was Jus thinkin goodness what do i say to her when we simmering in the same pot. Difficult moments seek and trust in God ngoaneso. surely Him who is able give abundantly more than we can ask or imagine,how can he not with Him,freely give us this things? Before you go to zcc tho sisi, His word says to seek first the kingdom of God,and all these things shall be added unto you. Seek Him first, and marriage surely Will have no choice but to come running your way. Have faith. This too shall come to pass.

swazzy
11 May 2011 20:18

I always ask my self why do woman have to cry , be depressed and almost go insane because of men. Why cant we focus on our relationship with God , He will neva cheat on you has pure love and will never leave. i think if we are more concern about Him then He wil provide the ideal man. I dont believe in muti onli in my Lord , i just think this guy acted the way he did cause he decided he wud rather be wud her ( spending alot of time with her caused an emotional attachment which is dangerous) not because ba mo loyile.. Besides the sangoma only told you what you wanted to hear.. You need to move on..

VusiK
11 May 2011 21:34

The essence of my diatribe is that if you do not act as early as possible ... You will be bound to this man for the rest of your child's life ... which may not be an ideal you wish to strive for ... nor to live with.

if you have no plans to interact with your baby's father should he continue rejecting you ... you have some very hard decisions to make ... I would cut his balls off by implementing my plan "A" ... then nail him with plan "B"

Plan and work for the best, however, anticipate an undesirable result in your planning.
... The Choice is Yours...

thatohatsi
12 May 2011 10:04

yho! VusiK such usefull information; morning bathandwa bam.

GML
12 May 2011 10:38

WHoo girl

I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time especially considering that you're pregnant.

I think the biggest mistake that us women do is that we tend to cry and beg the guy to come back to us. Which is human nature, women are designed to be like that.

Pregnancy is a wonderful thing that must be enjoyed and celebrated.

It is very clear that this man wants nothing to do with you. I believe that the best thing for you now is to stop calling and smsing him. Let him be. I know its not easy but the sooner you stop the better things will be and the sooner you'll start enjoying your pregnancy. Being a first time parent can be daunting especially if the child is not planned.

All men like to see a cat fight, especially if its about them BUT no man wants to date the CAT.

Let him go and allow the girl to have your leftovers.

VUSI- Terminating is not an option....

GML
12 May 2011 10:50

VUSI- I like the adoption card. lol

I really like it.

carino
12 May 2011 11:00

Lol @ all met like to see a catfight but no man wants to date a cat. Kwaaaaaa

VusiK
12 May 2011 12:35

Threaten his "Manhood" sufficiently ... he may change ...

Porsch
12 May 2011 13:16

Hi there, here is my 2cents worth......

Everyone has spoken about God and the power of prayer so i will not go there but that doesnt mean you should disregard their views.

If you think that your man is bewitched my advise is that go to ZCC/Sangoma whatever or whoever that you feel will give you some sort of guidance, i personally dont believe in bewitching someone else to keep a man but i have learnt that people do crazy things out there to keep a man or someone's man for that matter.

Moleko o ntshiwa ka moleko o mong and morena Modimo o thusa ba i thusang. The Sangomas and the Prophets are gifted by God and i'm not talking about the evil ones i'm talking about people that are gifted to heal or cast demons away. We are black people and these things exist dont be naive and think that they dont.

People put so much emphasis on nothing beats Prayer which is true but prayer alone is not good enough you need to do your part, God had given us, the human beings the power to rule on earth so he wasnt stupid.  You have the power to fight but as long as in your fight you dont forget God and asking HIM for streng ancd courage to carry on fighting.

Its so simple for other people to say leave him and it irritates the hell out of me because if you had to scrutinize their own relationships you will be shocked at what they succum to in the name of love or keeping thier man. 

We are hyprocrites by nature so i say do what you have to do to keep your family as long as o sa kgutlise bobe ka bobe.  The society is like this because people have been advised to move on, "forget about him/her", they say kids dont have their fathers becuase we give up too quickly.......

In all this please dont loose yourself and remember Morena Modimo o thusa ba i thusang.

Nda88
12 May 2011 14:33

Girl be careful when u receive advise; If a person quotes God let them give you scriptures to refer to and read your selves " Hosea 4:6 My people perish for lack of knowledge. If you are a Christian;born again and filled with the Spirit-consult your Pastor-Bible/Word-The Holy Spirit . He is after all our councellor.

We can say all that we want-but God will give answers to  you through the Holy Spirit.! I was in that situation and ma baby is a big girl now-evil exist as much as the Holy spirit exists-its up to you how you want to conquer-evil by evil or leberate yourself and get what God has instore for you!

Mine used to say he will not date his own (Ndebele or Zulu) cause they use muthi (sorry guys but im quoting)-he went for exactly that-he was one foot in church and one out-so i set myself free with knowledge, when i went to his house after him wanting reconcilliation and found muti-everywhere under his bed in cupboard found her stuff there-with muti everywhere-i told him what i discovered and what i tell *excuses for men* is-if she bewitched you-it serves you well cause you went after her-brought her in your life and that it managed to affect you-means you are part and parcel of it!

Leave them girl!......im happy im with a God fearing man now! take your time-get to know you-appreciate life-its beautiful-that time u spend with your kid and God is so awesome!

Nda88
12 May 2011 14:44

liberate

Nda88
12 May 2011 14:51

anyway-having to do my hair in a township and involved in a project theer-funny how i fall into hearing conversations i deter- beautiful girls/ladies not even afraid that you will expose them-i guess thats how they were brought up.

bare ma a thandana mufakele sithito or something like that-at least i see them as opportunities to spread the gospel and liberate women not to think of men as their careers-cause he will leave anyway.

I went to home affairs in some surbarbs last month and these cute girls were getting passports for their group trip to Maputo........was stunned!.....and stopped the conversation after.........."ma a ukshaya umthanda thlanganisa na manzi...."

Tshd21
12 May 2011 14:57

The man doesn't want you in his life and he has told you that, over and over again!! Gather what's left of your self-respect and listen to him when he asks you to leave him alone! Shame on you for reducing yourself to a desperate bitch who refuses to leave a man even though he has told you that he doesn't want you. You deserve every painful word (except the beating) that he has said to you because you are the one who keeps going back to him even though he tells you that he does not want you! Leave him, he does not want you and he has told you that, over and over and over again!

khabzette
13 May 2011 04:22

Tshd21 love,aint that a bit harsh? After all there is a baby involved lana, it aint that easy to walk away. Trust me i been there...

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 08:14

Yazi i was struggling to comment because my sentiments are those expressed by Tshd21 and i just could bring myself to gooi it out like that.
Quarter way through reading the story i was fuming at you sesi gore how can you stick around even for the second serving of cow dung...and stuck arround and arround and arround and arround and you are still sticking arround!!!...
Will you give up when he has killed your self worth completely or killed you somehow.

Im reminded of that other lady in For coloured girls who stuck arround an abusive demented man untill that men killed her children.

Sesi...walk away. You wouldnt be the first woman to raise a child as a single parent.

TheLady
13 May 2011 08:30

I'm with Porsch

"If you think that your man is bewitched my advise is that go to ZCC/Sangoma whatever or whoever that you feel will give you some sort of guidance, i personally dont believe in bewitching someone else to keep a man but i have learnt that people do crazy things out there to keep a man or someone's man for that matter. " Ok Sangomas scare me and I wouldn't set foot eZCC but girl hayi soze umuntu ashintshe kanje! And if kuwukuthi siyasiza isangoma or ZCC or whatever I wouldn't suggest you go back to him either-if he hadn't wanted fun on the side ngabe ayikho lenkinga. kodwa ke the once side dish can't have hime either nxa.

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 08:35

After all there is a baby involved lana, it aint that easy to walk away. Trust me i been there... with respect khabzette, i hope you are not suggesting that sticking arroud is for the benefit of the child.

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 08:47

Wow...Posch...you and i are from two completely different schools of thought. Tjo!....

Khabzette i just read your comment above and as a Christian i agree. When in doubt,when in troeuble even in good times...seek His kindom...why?...because He is the wisdom that we need when we must make decisions. He will not make the decisions for us. He gave us the free will to choose, to decide etc, what His word is there for, His decrees are there to GUIDE, not to DICTATE. I get frastrated with this notion that if you pray and aks God for answers and listen there will be a voice or some answer literally like it happed with Samuel. ...anyway....

VusiK
13 May 2011 08:57

... Children complicate life ..... think ... and be absolutely sure before one has them with anyone .... that person'll be a factor exercising some input and power in one's life throughout that child's life, regardless of the success or failure of the relationship .... unless one is going the way I am from this point forward .... Surrogates!

The author desires reconciliation ... I would never stay where I am not wanted ... She want to remain .... She has her motivations which she has not expounded on ... hence we are criticizing and providing our opinions blind from our perspectives only.

It is good that she is getting the "Get Out" counsel as well as the "Stay in" advise ... balance is important when assessing her options.

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 09:07

he author desires reconciliation...She has her motivations which she has not expounded on ... Im trully curious what those motivations are?. 
hence we are criticizing and providing our opinions blind from our perspectives only. I guess so.


balance is important when assessing her options. ???...im sure its possible to reach that state...but alone it wont happen, that man needs to be involved in the process of reaching that balance. Unless of course praying by herself and or going to a prophet or a sangoma for a counter Muti  will be all the miracle that is needed to attain some balance in this situation?.

VusiK
13 May 2011 09:12

... Im trully curious what those motivations are?.


She is anonymous for obvious reasons ... hence she cannot step forward and betray who she is by commenting on her  TVSA ID ....

he can addend the article by editing it and changing the text colour to enable us to continue with additional information on which to expand ...

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 09:22

oh well.....Good luck to usisi then. Hopefully she will find that "balanced" solution fast before she looses too much because of this if she hasnt already.

nice
13 May 2011 09:50

VusiK, once the baby is born  is it still possible to get a parent to resign parental rights?

I am not sure if you are familiar with the concept of damages (inhlawulo) when this has been paid, would the court enforce the resignation or rights as more than damages? which would be more recognised?

I find that Africans places more emphasis in that once he has paid damages, that forever entitles him to the child and go as far as wanting the little people to bear their surnames just because they have paid damages. 

Should I ever (God forbid) find myself in this situation, I would implement your advice of relinquishing parental rights and carry it through till the end. I struggle with forgiveness, and would be prepared to raise the little people I may have alone that carry a grudge to the grave.

Porsch
13 May 2011 09:51

@GA &Tshd21, i'm shocked at ur views do you guys live on the same land we live in? Life is not perfect i'm sorry to say this but you guys seem to be living in ur own little perfect world ke lefatsheng moo!

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 10:01

O contraire dear Porsch..life has been anything But perfect in my world. Im all for being a victim of some circumstance that i had no control over like my financially less fortunate family back ground as a child, for which as soon as i was positioned to take charge of the wheel and hustle for myself i took charge and im not a victim no more. Life is hard and we constantly have to hustle, but to sit in a terrible hurtfull painfull situation when you have the option to walk away just doesnt sit well with me.

Here is the deal though Porsh...clearly it seems like if you and i were in this situation we would be comfortable with different solutions. And thats just how life is, we are different individuals. Suster must do what makes her happy in the end and i suppose she knows what she si comfortable with you.

VusiK
13 May 2011 10:08

@nice ... I am familiar with the concept of inhlawulo (and its abuses) .... traditional law and roman dutch law have some common ground ... and great dissimilarities ....

This woman usaJola .... as far as I can read ... there is no formality or definition of the interaction that is enforceable under most laws here ....

A woman bears sole title of a fetus until the child is born ... and things can complicate from that point forward ....

However, in law ... the facility to dissociate and resign parental rights exist as a sub-sect of family law ... in which one abandons their rights to a child .... not unlike a man disavowing his parentage of a child &/or a woman denying a man is the father of a child in traditional law ....

Even if one pays damages ... which in traditional law does not necessarily equate to an  acceptance of parentage ... one can be made to ukuhlawula for merely standing with a woman ... or sleeping with one ,,,, people have perverted the application of traditional law to the point at which its application is no longer related to its purpose.

The payment of damages is not the start ... nor the end of parental equity / liability ... and the inconsistency in the applicable statutes relative to black & white laws opens the opportunity for misunderstandings and the perversion of either channel's application.

All law is relative until a reference is made that allows its interpretation and application to have focus in practice.

The law is always relative to an act's application.

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 10:10

PS...Posch:... the world that i make for myself wthin our generaly imperefect world is however a little more perfect than it would be if allowed myself it stay in an emotianlly abusive situation, or stay were im not wanted ... 
As a child whose mother was in a similar situation, im glad my mom walked away, and provided for us a loving environment were we were her number one priority, and we did not have to suffer rejection from my father..God knows what the effects of that would have been on our impressionable characters as children.
She struggled financially but her love compenstated dearly.
On the oracticalities:
We kept her surname (not my fathers) and that didnt affect our acdemic aptitudes nor did it have any mystical effects on our lives, we have a bbbright futures ahead of us. etc etc...
BIG up to the prayerfull, God fearing woman that she is.
BIG up also to my super grand father and uncles who looked out for her and us whnener our father's family tried to meddle in our lives for their selfish reasons such as "they want us to have their surname" when they rejected and us and didnt provide anything that matters to us.

VusiK
13 May 2011 10:23

... as I said .... children definitely complicate things ....

GA .... i have great respect for the journey you traveled ....

I am blessed to not have had that experience .... You are more blessed to have survived it ... you have an experience I can only have an opinion of ... and it is the same as yours ... even though I have not lived it.

vinc
13 May 2011 10:29

I am with you there G.A, staying in a abusive relationship becoz of the child does not make sense at all. I have people saying i dont want to have children with different surnames but when i look at them i always say i am better than them. 

The man beat her up and threw her out, that is embarrasing, how can you forgive something like that. 

I was also raised by my martenal grand parents but i am happy with it and my life would have been better. Now that i am all grown up and earning a little bit, i receive stupid messages from my partenal relatives. I tell them that the family i know is my mother's and that is my true home. 

Raise your kid on your own give her your surname and one day when she is old enough, she will be very proud to call you her parent. You dont want to tell your children that you fought hard to be with their father, he might change for now but later in life when you 3 kids, go back to his old ways. Ask yourself where you want to be 20 years later should you live that long.

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 10:36

BIG up to the prayerfull, God fearing woman that she is. ...may i add wise, sensible and smart..the best Emotional intelligence i know. Because being prayerfull alone isnt the solutions, after all,the bible says Faith without action is meaningless.
@Vinc i agree with you. @ Vuss, like Vinc said, i couldnt have had it any other way, im better for it all.

But then if suster's reasons for wanting to fight outweigh the life that she may LIVE without the man then well...fight on mem.

VusiK
13 May 2011 10:41

I tried that sticking with a bad partner for the child's sake crap 12 - 8 years ago .... It is never worth it!

They don't change ... and they don't stop ..... The best thing I ever did for myself was leave that relationship ....

She does not .. and will not ever allow me near my son .... I will not fight for him either because it will effect him badly .... I have never seen a child whose parents tussled over him / her being normal and balanced .... (Children have an uncanny way of blaming adult disputes on their existence ... which we have no control over ... oft ... the result is not desirable) ....

She is an awesome mother ... all she wanted of me was a sperm donor ... He is a brilliant awesome child ...

In my case ... it is a matter of time before he wants some participation from me ... I am a rather forthright person and when I do bump into them and he starts asking "Why ...." I tell him forthrightly ... in front of Mommy that Mommy & daddy have problems they can never fix ... and Mommy prefers me not to be anywhere near them .... that if he wishes to find me when he is  older ... He will make the effort ... Mommy will have no option at that time ....

until that happens .... his welfare and best care and interests are him being with Mom!

Mom's only demonic with me .... I can handle that!
My day under the sun will come ...

khabzette
13 May 2011 10:47

I hear you guys. G.A my point was in that as a woman,heavy with child,you tend to first want to fight for what you believe to be rightfully yours. Its in the nature of a woman. Its the essence of the female species. I agree,she has fought the fight,done all she could etc. But as for calling her a bitch yada yada, naah man, thats not on in my fair view. if you've loved someone once and have felt their love at some point surely you too would try to fight whatever comes between you and that love. As for praying,at some point in the Christian walk we Will need to wake up and need to realise that God answers all prayers. Just because you didnt get what you wanted dont mean prayer aint answered. I'm not even for the idea of praying that the man stay,love her,change, no. My hope is that she prays for the Will of God. If its that they be together then so be it, if not maybe God has someone way better than this oke,you went against God's Will and fell pregnant anyway. He says be still and know

khabzette
13 May 2011 10:47

I hear you guys. G.A my point was in that as a woman,heavy with child,you tend to first want to fight for what you believe to be rightfully yours. Its in the nature of a woman. Its the essence of the female species. I agree,she has fought the fight,done all she could etc. But as for calling her a bitch yada yada, naah man, thats not on in my fair view. if you've loved someone once and have felt their love at some point surely you too would try to fight whatever comes between you and that love. As for praying,at some point in the Christian walk we Will need to wake up and need to realise that God answers all prayers. Just because you didnt get what you wanted dont mean prayer aint answered. I'm not even for the idea of praying that the man stay,love her,change, no. My hope is that she prays for the Will of God. If its that they be together then so be it, if not maybe God has someone way better than this oke,you went against God's Will and fell pregnant anyway. He says be still and know

khabzette
13 May 2011 11:03

....that i am God. Take the legal route like vusik suggests. And by the way i never said you should stay for the baby. I said that in response to tshd21 on y you fought at all.

VusiK
13 May 2011 11:03

.... In all this guys ......

KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH THOROUGHLY BEFORE MAKING BABIES WITH THEM !!!!!!!!

Negotiate the most important and most sensitive parts of what you need and expect before you get into the relationship ....

I will bet real money that our sister here fell for charm and did not say ......... is what I stand for ...... Is what I desire ...... is what I need & want in a man ...... She was charmed, emotional and many other things when this relationship started .... maybe even .... she got him from another woman (Possible?) ... if that is the case ... he did not change ... she did!

khabzette
13 May 2011 11:06

you cannot make a man stay for good,when he'd rather walk away: but neither can you make a good man go away,when he'd rather stay. All the best love...

VusiK
13 May 2011 11:07

I'm trying to say .....


Don't enter a relationship due to a chemical reaction ........ Whilst it feels good ...... there is no logic involved and .... zero common sense in that space ..... at that time.

Step back a little .... wait ... probe ... get really comfy .... flirt with focus ... and make the right decision based on knowledge .... and don't lie to yourself about your place in everything ..... for example .......

Aston Martin , BMW, Merc & Range Rover makes Great cars (I know personally) ... They do not make Great Men ... or Women!

Llu
13 May 2011 11:14

Yho hayi bethunani andiyazi ba abantu batheni mvanje...

khabzette
13 May 2011 11:18

Aston Martin , BMW, Merc & Range Rover makes Great cars (I know personally) ... They do not make Great Men ... or Women! @vusik lol! but so true,so so true!

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 11:30

I hear you as well Khabzette...i will not defend the *B* word comment coz i dont know where it comes from.
Its true/....God answers, even if his answer is a NO. But the understanding of God's way answering is as i explained. If i ask God should i go north or south, he wont say "go north', but his will, his decrees, his word will guide my decision.


My day under the sun will come ... Lets hope that day will come. A lot of things influences whether the child will desire to hear you out or see to you.
Its very possible that the mom can spin the situation such that it appears you dont care about him etc etc...and if she provides sufficiently for him he may never see the need to look you up.
yes at the same time, i agree...tossling about the child could have some negative effects on him.  Children have an uncanny way of blaming adult disputes on their existence..mmm..and and and oh the ripple effects.

I never had the desire to hunt down my father at all. Im not interested in his side of the story because it wont add any value in my life. But who knows, Maybe if i new he had lots of money and can spare some extra comfort cash for me i could have developed some "sentimental" reason to hunt him down bla bla. But i know he aint got nothing infact if anything i do plan to sneak behind my mom and take see that he is taken care of someday..i dont hold no grudges against him. But i dont realy wanna hear nothing from him. His day hasnt come and yet because i dont desire to humour him. Given an extra scenario in my story, anything could have happened, i could possibly also be hating my father so much etc etc.
So many things play into how the child responds later, so Vuss i hope you are sussing out all possible circumstances that can prevent that day from ever happening or that even if it happens and you say your side of the story, the young man still responds negatively. God forbid.

VusiK
13 May 2011 11:53

Lets hope that day will come. A lot of things influences whether the child will desire to hear you out or see to you.

Nah ... not worried ... I raised him single handedly the 1st 3.5 years of his life .... He lights up light Bi-Xenon whenever we bump into one another ... he always identifies me in a crowd ... he is not interacting because he does not have the power / means to insist / enforce his will .... Not worried about that at all ...

the 1st 3 - 6 years of any child's life are absolutely crucial in determining their identities .... He's a Daddy's boy through and through ...

If his perception of me is poisoned over time ... He has siblings who will tell him of the real me without me needing to defend myself to opinions and rumor .... plus I keep records of everything ..... I mean everything that pertains to my obligations ...

and ... i will never deny my faults, weaknesses, nor failings ....

All of my children know the exact and absolute reason I ended my relationship with Mommy! I have reconciled with all my children's mothers ... except two .... they go Dragonball-Z with emonic flush whenever we enter the same space ... it kills any opportunity to enter into any form of dialogue ... consequently , I always keep my distance and avoid any form of conversation whatsoever beyond "Hello" .... not even an "How are you " .... "Hello" ... and after acknowledgement ... attend to my business ... shich is OUR child ... and when done .. say Bye! ... and resume my business ,,. I don't care ... refuse to burden myself with their issues ... and I sleep fine at night,

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 12:02

Thats sound solid Vuss. All the very best please.

the 1st 3 - 6 years of any child's life are absolutely crucial in determining their identities .... Interesting to know...noted!

hey go Dragonball-Z with emonic flush whenever we enter the same space ...lol, ofcourse i love this analogy! BUT its a sad state of affairs, but you got it under the best possible control it seems>> Bless your level headedness Vuss! And again all the very best please.




realist
13 May 2011 12:05

Me, what Tshd21 told you is the best advice you can get from an honest person who read your article with no emotions attached to it. Take the advice and you will become a better person moving forward. 

As for the religious advice you got, if they made enough impression to you then good luck to you because you are going to need lots of it!!!

VusiK
13 May 2011 12:16

the 1st 3 - 6 years of any child's life are absolutely crucial in determining their identities .... Interesting to know...noted!

Honestly ... being a father of eight .... I guarantee you .. every nuance, action, word, intonation, suggestion, .... absolutely EVERYTHING they encounter during this phase is the critical mass of their characters ....

Say bad things and they evolve to believe such bad things are the way in life .... Do the opposite ..... (not at your convenience ... if you live a lie ... they can tell) ..... you get the result corresponding with your investment .....

If anyone here is a new parent ... get rid of any interactions and associations that are not what you intend to be of influence to your child .... they are also very keen on picking the easiest means of survival ... which is the wrong  way ...

(Why do you think in African lore for nobody outside the family to come in contact with new-born (and consequently the mother) for at least 6 months? .... Hmmmmm?) ... some of our traditions have purpose ....

VusiK
13 May 2011 12:32

@Realist ....

You are too real!

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 12:35

Tru that Vuss...Realist is too real. I think you are as real as realist. Just that you try to accomodate the sentimental masses who want truth to be sugar coated etc.....tltltltl.....im one of them

VusiK
13 May 2011 12:39

I don't think I sugarcoat .... (smile)

Objectivity sometimes demands that one considers opposite opinions to be viable ...

Choice is a crucial factor to exercise

Uneducated choices result in either luck or incomplete results ...

Educated choices always result in an educated result ... luck is minimized!

VusiK
13 May 2011 12:40

I don't believe in Luck!

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 12:43

yes..."sugar coating" trivialises what you do. Your way is crucial, Because sometimes when truth comes aS REAL AS Tshd21 puts and it Realist would put it...people immediedly get their defences up without and dismiss it...sadly to their demise.

Dont believe in luck either...i fully concurr with evrything you say above....

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 12:46

yes..."sugar coating" trivialises what you do. Your way is crucial, Because sometimes when truth comes as  REAL AS Tshd21 puts it and Realist would put it...people immediedly get their defences up without  thought and dismiss ...sadly to their demise.

Dont believe in luck either...i fully concurr with evrything you say above....

realist
13 May 2011 12:48

Vusik, I think you are also too real. You however have a way of being diplomatic although when someone is reading your point they can see that you are being point blank about it. 

GA, you on the other hand if rubbed the wrong way you can also be brutal albeit diplomatically.

Green.arrow
13 May 2011 12:51

LOL @realist...ill be the first to admit that being diplomatic isnt so natural. Thats why the brutality slips sometimes, thats when i ddnt have time to re-type and think of nicer phrases. :).

VusiK
13 May 2011 13:06

Realist ...

I suckled diplomacy ... I have incredible parents and come from an incredible family ...
It does make even the harshest medicine wash down better, and the knife does not seem as bad...

Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:20

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if


Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:21

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if he does


Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:21

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if he does not


Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:21

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if he does not want


Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:21

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if he does not want to


Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:21

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if he does not want to see the


Ntlewame2
13 May 2011 13:21

forget about what he does with his life-focus on you and baby now. get insipirational books to read (hope they will help-i hated them when i was in such a crisis) but really church sermons helps a lot and be around positive fun people..

1.If you decide to keep the baby-its still fine be prepared for single parenting
2.if you dont want-its still your choice
3.Kids are adorable -only if you let go of your pain and forgive
4.find something to keep you buzy ;after all he is not all that exist in the world 
5.this helped "after taking a nice buble bath-touching your tummy-put on some perfume and smell good for yourself-(u hv to buy nice clothes girly) then lie down facing a mirror-buy one for this occassion-look at it and just laugh......may sound weird and diffult but it will soon be a special moment-that will subtitute crying times........
6.Mara........let pride not stop u--------HE MUST KHOKHA Maintenance.......i dont think my mom did a clever thing hurstling on her own motho ena a enjoya!..let him betaal its not about you or him.......the child also deserves his monies..like those he will make later...even if he does not want to see the child


Tshd21
13 May 2011 17:12

Porsch, I do not live in a perfect world. But I have learned that when a man doesn't want you, it is because he doesn't want you, period. Trust me, I learned the hard way myself. A baby is no excuse to be in a relationship where a man tells you he doesn't want you, and even shows you by insulting and abusing you. You guys should stop sugar-coating the truth. The man doesn't want you ME, and he has told you that over and over and over. Leave. You won't be the first woman on earth to raise a child on her own and certainly won't be the last.


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