I needed to talk to u because we have to put a few things on the table. We always do this, we stop (or I stop) then when we start again its so strong that I can't help but to fall for u all over again. I'm trying to ignore so many things but bottom line is that u have another life, a family, a wife. I always figured it wouldn't be hard because atleast I know what I'm getting myself into but it really doesn't make it any easier.
I want to be honest with u... It's like I can't move on, it's like an addiction...U are like alcohol to me. I always tell myself that I'll stop but I can't resist. And then we'll start, it will get intense and I'd be happy...then it will scare me coz then I find myself missing u, missing just u being here, with me... We can sit and watch tv or just be quiet... And that would be enough. Then every part of me will tell me how wrong this is and how this would hurt me in the end...
Then I try to ignore things and find it better to just run. By running, I mean I always end up focusing on other things. I end up "flirting" or it can even be just chatting with other people, just to keep my mind of u. But I don't want that happening this time around, coz it hasn't worked in the past. Now I just don't know what to do... Whether to chill and let life be or to stay away from u totally (which I don't want to do). I have all these questions and no answers but one thing I know is that I have to make a choice and stick to it. I think it was easier when I was younger coz I've never felt like these before. It has been 7 years since we started this and even now after so many years, I still feel your love and I'm still deeply in love with you.
After every disappointment and angry moments, I always ask myself; 1) I entered into this knowing what I was getting into. 2) what exactly do I expect from you coz we never even discussed it. Do you owe me anything. 3) the last part which is difficult is that I don't know what I want. There is a part of me that wants me to let life play it's part. But at what cost? Can I handle just letting things be and not be in control?I feel like this feeling will never go away, in fact it will become stronger. Then the other part of me tells me to just walk away, even though I know that I have tried in the past and it has never worked.
I know how u feel about me and how u also don't want to let go, but it really does scare me... I love u!
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