Episode One: Yay for Season X! We're calling it that, because X is cool.
In this week's episode, we learned that the term
Survival of the Fittest, should not, indeed, be taken literally. We learned that chiselled abs and rock hard pecs will only help you on survivor if you see Jeff wheeling out a bench-press, or if the challenge has a title like "3 sets, 10 reps each".
There are no power bars on Palau, no energy drinks, no protein shakes. In Survivor, you win by using your brain. Someone should tell this to
Ibrehem, though, because I distinctly heard him say something like: "We have a good chance, because we're young and strong. Athleticism should come into it."
Athleticism, is what he (probably never) said (because I'm bad at quoting). You sure you on the right show buddy? You sure you're not looking for something else? Like
The Olympics? I'm also pretty sure that he said something about "being good looking can help you in this game". (He may have said that. Or he may have said "Poop". I'm not really paying attention).
It's thinking like that that gets you in this situation:
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Jolanda: Which of the three things should we take with us?
Ibrehem: *Flex* Which way should I run? Give me something heavy to carry! I'm going to out-hurdle these guys! Yeah! I'm the sole survivor!
Jeff Wilson: *Grunt* I'm carrying so much stuff. Look at me glisten.
Jeff Probst: Put me down dumbass.
Jolanda: We have to focus! Lets get some team spirit together! Rah Rah! Listen to the sound of my magnificent voice! Let's kick some a-
Jeff Probst: Koror wins!
Jolanda: ...
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You can't exactly athleticise someone to death, now can you? And it's not going to help you on the jury either. When they ask you: "What qualities do you possess that lead you to believe that you should be the sole survivor", you can't say: "A 10 second 100m, an 80 meter javelin throw, .95 at the free throw line, and pretty pretty legs."
Another thing we learned this week is that you can't push your way into the lead. Look at Tom, who is more of a natural leader: people gravitate to him.
Jolanda, on the other hand, assumes that since her wide open mouth looks like a black hole, she must have some sort of gravitational pull.
Not so. Observe:
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Jolanda: Here's a work roster, divided into 45 minute work periods. Each person will pull their weight. I'm going to lift these here logs a bunch of times so that you can see how valuable I am to the team. I am going to lead you all, and you will all step aside and let me and my greatness win.
Rest of Tribe: I think we should all just step aside and let her and her greatness win. We are not worthy.
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Oh wait, ha ha, that wasn't Suvivor: Pulau, that was Survivor: Fantasia.
If you put yourself forward, make yourself the leader, then all the mistakes fall on your head, especially if you're an annoying leader. The lesson? Be a slacker, but an efficient slacker. I'm surprised more university students haven't won Survivor. Do the bare minimum not to be noticed, and you're well on your way to, well, day 4.
Sigh. And yet they do this every damn season. They assume that they got onto survivor because they're strong willed and athletic. That's not why. You're on as cannon fodder. Someone has to be voted off first, and, with survivors getting much smarter these days, the fact that you can do 3000 squats before breakfast will mean nothing.
And then, of coursethere's Wanda. Her mind wanda'd off into a fantasy land where being Survivor suddenly became Survivor: Pop Idols.
I have nothing more to say on this subject. Except for this:
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"Survivors! Can you all take this pain?
Surviiiiivors! Oh boy this song is lame!
Oooooooooooooooover and over I'll sing it..."
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Rinse. Repeat.
So those are my three candidates for the first the Shallow end of the Gene Pool Award. Pretty tough competition, I'll say. But the award officially goes to:
Because he's worth it.
The Let this Person Breed More Award is a lot easier. It goes to Ian. His genetically modified body that features webbed feet, lungs that allow him to breath underwater, and yet look deceptively skinny at the same time, helped him swim faster than all the buff boys and get the immunity necklace. Well done Ian, go forth and multiply.