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The latest goss about Big Brother Africa 2 is that the show's reached a Top Secret decision about where exactly the house will be.

As you may or may not know, BB1, 2 and BBAfrica1 were all filmed in a house at M-Net’s Randburg studio’s which has subsequently been converted many times over to be the set of different shows. Here are some blast-from-the-past pics of the house that I took when I visited it just before it was demolished:


Things that have been filmed in the studio since the house came down include last years Survivor SA finale show and also Deal Or No Deal.

With the BBAfrica2 auditions currently underway (they should almost be finished) and the house location decided on it’s the perfect time for us to speculate on where we want it to be, how we want it to be designed, who we want the housemates to be, how naked we need them and what exactly we want them to suffer while they’re in prison.

To come up with my ideal set-up I’ve looked at the possibilities from our past Big Brothers as well as Big Brothers that have happened around the world.

Location

My hope has been that they’ll decide to set the second season in a humdingingly new, never-before-done location - i.e. Cape Town. I've always wanted the house right on my doorstep so I can hang around it in the dead of night to get up to things - like chucking messages and other destructive stuff over the wall.

Sadly there’s no ways this will ever happen ‘cos of logistics etc and my guess is that they’re gonna put the house straight back into stinking Randburg.

If they’re not gonna do Cape Town then I’d waay rather they put the house in another African country - just not bad-picture-quality Nigeria. I’m thinking Uganda - the country appeals to me in a big way for unknown reasons that have nothing to do with slappy Gaetano. I don’t know what it is but I'm super-keen to see and feel more-more about it.

So Uganda it is. Of course it’s also far away from the hub of Randburg's cameras which means it would cost more to set everything up there but still, this is my ideal setting for the house after Cape Town.

House Design

After four seasons (including Nigeria) of the house being standardly normal it’s time for them to get with the programme and spice it up.

Some other countries have done kooky things when it comes to design - like the UK’s seventh season had a house where everything that’s supposed to be inside was put outside.

Instead of carpets the inside was covered with fake grass and the lounge was outside.


The fridge and other important indoor things were outside too and all the inside walls were made of glass so that no-one could escape anyone’s sight.

Also in the season was a surprise second house that housed five extra housemates who had to try to get into the main house. Only one of them could get in and of course what they got up to added extra footage to the show which is perfect for the millions of boring hours housemates spend doing nothing.

In the latest season 8 the show had a surreal theme that put things in oddball places - for instance the bath was in the kitchen:


In season 3 of the UK show the house was divided according to rich and poor housemates who were randomly divided at the beginning of the show.

Half of them lived in a section of the house that was luxurious and had everything they needed while the other half lived in craptastic surroundings and ate plants from the garden. The two groups were divided by a steel gate and the idea was that the poor housemates had to try to work their way into luxury while the rich ones had to try to keep their places.

Either or all of these options in combo would work well to give us the promise of something new to see which we always need by Day 8 at least. I espesh like the hidden rooms thing so we get two shows for the torture of one.

Props

As for what should be in the house - they need a washing machine and dishwasher with no frills or fuss about the fact that they have them. Listening to housemates argue over who’s doing the dishes or watching them do them has been done to death and keeps them boring in the kitchen.

They'll need a shower obviously - with a difference. The glass wall season of the UK show had a shower that was seethrough that the housemates could frost up - if they wanted. This would be perfect - the housemates would put pressure on each other to use it and not use it etc.


Another fun shower idea would be turning the heat up and burning the bejezuz out of them when they least expect it. Bathwise - they could have one as an added extra prize to be won in rewards only type thing.

They also have to have a jacuzzi. I’m very worried they’re going to decide to go for a pool instead as a difference from the previous seasons but it would be a mistake if they did. Pools have never delivered nearly what a jacuzzi does in any show ever.

My absolute no-no’s in the house furnishings are:

Musical instruments as part of the décor
A DVD player
A CD player
Gym equipment
Duvet covers – or covers of any kind

Number of Days

The show should be 100 days.

Twists

The last thing in the world I’m in the mood for is a show that just goes from one predictable week to the next with a task, eviction then that shopping thing they do then back to a task, eviction blah blah.

There need to be twists happening all the time – in big and small ways – like when Gaetano swopped with the UK, that was cool and gave a whole new perspective on things when we really needed it. If they did it again the swap would need to happen with a very different country though - I’m thinking the Brazilians or something.

Other twists that have happened on other shows include things like all the housemates ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends arriving on the scene - which sucks. I don’t see that anyone would respond realistically in this kind of set-up and reckon it would end up feeling acted.

A US season of the show had a set of twins pretending to be one person - which is kinda unique but also pointless - all twins are the same so I don’t see how it could create anything interesting.


A twist that I’ve always wanted to see is having one housemate who’s not a housemate at all but rather a plant who’s in the house to manipulate the housemates and work certain angles. They did this in the US Celebrity BB where a no-name brand plant had to convince the celebrities they were a celebrity too.

What would make the Plant scenario even better is if they interacted with us directly - so they could get instructions from us about the things they should do, do them, get feedback and go back and do more.

Whoever did it would have to be a superbly convincing actor who doesn't overact. The plan could be that they get voted out third last so they’re around for it all and then hand over to the final two - only revealing the truth at the very end.

To me this is a better option than having other real housemates added as intruders across the season - they always have less time to be hated so it ends up unfair.

Another twist that would give things an added dimension is for them to give different housemates secret challenges that they're not allowed to tell anyone about. They did this in the seventh UK season where a housemate got the task of making everyone keep their clothes on without them realising what she was up up to.

Other secret instructions that would work well include getting different housemates to:
- organise that two housemates who loathe each other sleep in the same bed
- convince another housemate to give them something of theirs that's very precious without them being suspicious
- manipulate one or more housemates into doing something that's radically out of their nature.

The Housemates

I don’t do the whole “everyone in the house needs to be genuine real people like us ” thing ‘- there’s no point to this at all. We see them around us all the time so there’s zilch new. What I want is people who think they’re like us but who actually need to be institutionalized so I can be freaked out.

The more radically deluded they are the happier I’ll be. Sado masochists, bigots, racists, sexists, liars, nihilists, man-whores - bring ‘em on so we can scorn them! Of course there needs to be a maximum of two real people to give us the added thrill of enjoying their helldog suffering.


Voting

The first season of the US show was structured in the way all of ours have been - with the public voting - but in the second season they changed the voting procedures so that no public vote happened at all.

Basically their set-up since then has been that the whole game gets played between the housemates only.

As radically dfferent as it is it would excellent for us to give this a go. It would take it in a very different direction and give the show such a fresh zing I’m convinced it would be highly successful.

I also very much want them to give the housemates the opportunity of strategizing instead of making it a rule that they can’t. A couple of seasons of other shows have included special rewards where housemates win certain luxuries that they get in a special room (like we’ve had too) except part of the prize is that they’re allowed to discuss who they’re voting for next. We need this.

The Prize

The prize needs to be a minimum of the usual yawny 100 000 US dollars. Why is it we always get this iffy amount? I want say it should be a million dollars but that’s never gonna happen which is just wrong.

Overall our Big Brother's extremely mean and needs to get much more generous to give us added entertainment - for instance prizes during the show - these never happen. The show gets so much sponsorship they need to wildly give away cars and other massive things to add to the tensions and jealousies between everyone.

Nudity

Of course. In the shower, in the bath, in the garden, in the bedrooms, in the jacuzzi, in the kitchen, on the couches, in the diary room – we need it everywhere.


Tasks

Just thinking about how many suckarse tasks have killed us in the past does my head in. All the tasks that involve people doing things by themselves like painting or exercising or cooking need to go. Every task has to be 200% social and every reward needs to include barrels of booze. Too much booze. Booze that even the biggest soakhead can’t get through.

I've never understood why they always give them so little and make it such a begrudged thing when the entire show’s reliant on everyone being as unconscious as possible.

Big Brother

Big Brother needs to be bi-polar so that no-one ever knows if he or she’s on their side or not. It’s the brief they need to give the Big Brother voices – “just go bi-polar dude” - the disease is so obviously an excuse to treat everyone as badly as possible without any responsibility that it's the perfect attitude for BB.

So that’s it - some of my ideals for the show. What are yours?
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Big Brother Africa 2 premieres on 5 August 2007. It'll be broadcast on AfricaMagic (Channel 102) and Channel 37.

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