Can women really have it all? Can we be great mother, have the happy family, a sexually fulfilled partner, the flourishing career, TVSA blogs and the Social Club? Can women get all the necessary recognition and acknowledgement of their personal sacrifices to achieve this utopia? Why do women break and judge each other for the choices they make in their personal lives? Can’t we just get along?
Oprah started the show by showing the results of a poll she did on her website for this topic. The results were not something that shocked me or made my perception of this topic change. She received more than 15,000 women respondents. Two-thirds of the working moms who responded said they would quit work and stay home with their kids if they could. More than 90 percent said they work for financial reasons.
Among the stay-at-home moms, more than one-third wished they worked outside the home.
(For research purposes I sourced the poll results from www.Oprah.com)
Stay-at-home moms responded
Did your mother work outside of the home?
62% Yes
38% No
Does staying home put financial strain on the family?
57% Yes
43% No
Do you wish you worked?
36% Yes
64% No
Do stay-at-home moms get the respect they deserve?
5% Yes
85% No
Overall, are you satisfied with the job you are doing as a parent?
80% Yes
20% No
Do you secretly feel like you are cheating or failing yourself?
55% Yes
45% No
Do you feel selfish when you consider your needs for personal or professional fulfillment?
54% Yes
46% No
Do you feel judged by family, friends or other moms?
56% Yes
44% No
Are you angry or disappointed about having to choose between work and your children?
25% Yes
75% No
Is it possible to give 100% to motherhood and a career?
71% Yes
29% No
What's more difficult, staying home with the kids or going to the office?
72% Staying Home
28% Going to the office
Working Moms responded
Did your mother work outside of the home?
68% Yes
32% No
Would you quit to stay home with your kids if you could?
66% Yes
34% No
If you work outside of the home, do you have to for financial reasons?
91% Yes
9% No
Do stay-at-home moms get the respect they deserve?
17% Yes
83% No
Do you secretly feel like you are cheating or failing yourself?
62% Yes
38% No
Do you feel selfish when you consider your needs for personal or professional fulfillment?
55% Yes
45% No
Do you feel judged by family, friends or other moms?
43% Yes
57% No
Are you angry or disappointed about having to choose between work and your children?
55% Yes
45% No
Is it possible to give 100% to motherhood and a career?
61% Yes
39% No
What's more difficult, staying home with the kids or going to the office?
52% Staying Home
49% Going to the office
Mothers battling it out - True Oprah-Style!
True Oprah-style she invited a couple of women; who strongly feel their choices is the way to go, to come and discuss if women can have it all. I so wished there was a referee or some kind of mediator in the room; as I personally felt that judgments and personal attacks would be thrown around. And I was not disappointed; the women kept making statements about how their children benefit when the mother is a stay-at-home mom and a working mom. No-one said “I am doing this because it is for me! It is what personally fulfills me and my kids will benefit from me being happy!” Am I being a selfish cow by assuming kids do not really care whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom; they just need their ma to be there when they need them? Clearly the opinions will differ based on your background but I still feel in this day and age (With debt creeping on us and aging parents) we might not be able to afford not to work, so we do and somehow it fulfills a little bit of our needs. We work because it is what we want to do; not because our kids will be happier that we are home all the time or working!
I loved one of the ladies, Jallon, who is a school principal and has 2 toddlers’ comments. She said she runs a school with however many kids but feels she feels she would lose her mind being stuck with 2 toddlers. I felt she was trying to say “I am doing this for me. They want a sane mom; I need to run a school with 1000 kids for me to appreciate the 2 I have” The stay-at-home moms felt they were making their kids a priority and working would make their kids take a less priority. Pulhease! What happens when those kids start dating, moving out and getting married? You simply have to make yourself a priority then everyone will benefit. I am not saying that stay-at-home moms do not give any benefit; but it depends on your family financial dynamics but I sincerely feel that if the decision is made that you stay at home; it should be for yourself. I would not mind being a stay-at-home mom running my own business… Ha ha ha! Yep, that’s what I want! To be at home to do my own stuff and make money! Everybody benefits!
Barbara & Whitney
Barbara, one of the working mothers, obviously upset the stay-at-home mom’s when she said It's more important, to be around when your kids are teenagers. “Anybody can read your kid a book or cuddle your kid. Not anybody can ask your kid how the soccer game went or cheer them on at the soccer game."
Barbara's views on motherhood upset Whitney, a stay-at-home mom. She felt that Barbara’s comments belittled her role as a stay at home mom as it’s not about wiping snotty noses and reading books. I was sure someone was gonna get biatch-slapped for their comment – Oprah Springer show!! Ha ha ah! Whitney also felt that all mothers should seriously consider staying home as she has. "I think they should be willing to be flexible, to take a long-term view," she says. "I think it's very important to be there for your child if you are financially able, if you are in a position of financial privilege that you can even consider that."
Dr Robin Smith
Dr Robin Smith, my gal-crush, the official Oprah psychologist was there to analyse and assist the women to see both sides of the fence. I love this woman! She said that all mothers want the same thing for their families. The decision doesn’t have to be only one; it can work for both scenarios.
My opinion is feminism clearly is a problem if the feminists themselves do not understand the rules and guidelines. We do not have to beat each other to a pulp because we have different opinions. It just doesn’t work like that. What works for someone might not work for you; and that is life!
I loved it when she said “We lose the wisdom of being able to be women at our best—blessing the journey of someone who has found their way and not trying to make it your way. Women CAN’t have it all. No one can. That's an illusion that any of us can have it all. The goal isn't to have it all…it's to be attuned with yourself and with your children. Attuned means 'I'm connected”. Oprah spoke about Our best friend Gayle King, who has raised her kids as a working mom. Her kids are independent, fine and well adjusted human beings. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that Gayle decided to work. She also mentioned some other friends that are stay at home moms that have fine kids. It is all in the choice you make. It is not about the kids; they get on with whatever makes you happy.
I was screaming and shouting “AMEN!!” so much my house felt like I was at a revival! My poor King K doesn’t like Oprah much so can’t say he was impressed! Ha ha Ha! He did, of course, get motivated when one of the stay-at-home moms suggested that depending on the financial dynamics of a family; the husband or the wife could stay home. My King K has told me, even when we were dating that he would love to be a house-husband! At first, I thought lazy bum but now I know he genuinely enjoys doing the things that housewives do – not the daily soapy and talk show watching but the actual housework and the picking the kids from school routines.
Regretful Moms
Another saga and angle was brought up when too woman that have aged gracefully were regretful off the choices they made!! To say the least I was shocked!!! The women, Peggy and Lynne felt that they did not benefit from them staying at home or working. Peggy; has 4 kids and worked. She feels the kids missed out on a lot from her and doesn’t want her daughter to work when she starts a family! Haaibo, Grandma! She feels that the regret is for her loss on what the kids did … Those kids are happy, Old woman! Laura, Peggy's daughter was on the show and completely did not agree with her mother opinion or perception. She felt loved and did not miss on anything. Her mother's choice to work did not make her feel the need to stay at home either.
Lynne, quit a high-powered job to take care of her 2 children, she feels remorse and guilt she did not miss out on her kids development but missed out on getting the things she wanted. She was put on the back-burner and her needs to be fulfilled were not met by staying at home. She is seriously in doubt about what he life could have been like had she worked. She needs to know about what she gave up? She wants that part of her back. I would not want to live like that! Ever! No regrets… And I would not want my Prince K to question if I regret the choices I made to ensure what I considered “his happiness” at the time of the decision. No. Not fair!
Dr Robin, Oh sweet Robin, had amazing words for these women... I taped the show(No PVR!! Oprah's damn Debt-diet! but my VCR still works) so I had to listen to get this right! She said "Guilt and having remorse, regret, is really in our lives to teach us not to torture us.You want to learn, 'What did I need to do that I didn't do? How did I neglect my needs or neglect my child?' … You can experience deprivation as a mother and thinking, 'Oh, my gosh, I'm ruining my child.' When your child, if you are attuned and connected to them, feels full and empowered"
Oprah agreed that women shouldn't feel guilty for making decisions that are right for their family—and that society's idea of being the perfect parent and "having it all" aren't realistic. "That's a part of our indoctrination of our culture that we're suppose to make the bacon, bring it home, fry it in the pan, get the kids ready and then strip for your man at the end of the day I say you can have it all. You just can't have it all at the same time."
And I, as Segololo, know I just want to be connected to my son, whether I work or not OR even my King K decides to be a househusband for real! I will have it all! What I define as all, not what society dictates is all!