Born and raised in Gauteng, I am ashamed to say I am not very in touch with my roots, so to speak. But when I started varsity, I met a lot of people, and was forced to start asking myself some questions. Needless to say, I’m still getting there. But recently, a cultural rock was thrown at me, which has led to my writing this article.
Last year, I started working, and around May, I met someone who works in a different department, and we hit it off. Being straight out of varsity, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and was sure I wouldn’t get emotionally connected here. But as I’m sure a lot of ladies can agree with me, I was soon whipped. The problem here was that this guy has a kid, and with a kid there’s always a baby momma. He told me about them, they live in KZN, and so I thought, agh, what the hell. A friend of mine actually warned me not to get involved with a guy who has a kid, coz apparently there’s always some sort of baby momma drama.
I’m sure you asking what this has to do with culture…its coming. In December, he had to attend a family funeral, and when he came back, he told me there was something serious we needed to talk about. It took him about 3 weeks to finally tell me this serious thing, and by this time, I had decided to follow my head and break up with him for other reasons (long story), although my heart is still very much with him.
Anyway, when we finally sat down to talk last week, he told me his family was pressuring him to marry his baby’s mother. They told him the cows were ready, and even set a date for him to go pay lobola. The problem is that he doesn’t want to do it. I asked why, and he said, “I don’t love her”, but he couldn’t tell them that, because as far as they know, they are still together.
He then asked me what I think, and I told him that I don’t understand how a grown man like him can be told who and when to marry, which is when he said I’d never understand because I’m a Jozi girl. He also stressed that his family is very traditional, so it makes it all the more difficult. And he wasn’t being asked whether he was ready to marry, he was being told to go off and marry.
Now, I’m Venda, and I really am not sure whether these things happen in venda, or any other ethnic group, but I respect culture, and I’m not ready to get married, so if I tell him not to get married, its not like I’m gonna marry him. And who’s to say me and him are gonna last anyway? So I told him that we should break up, but he doesn’t want us to. Basically, he says he’s confused and doesn’t know what to do.
But on the other hand, I find myself wondering how much of this is indeed a culture thing? Surely no one wants anyone to enter into a loveless marriage? Hai, mina I don't know really.
The funny thing though is that I’m not in pain, all my friends are amazed by this, but I think the fact that he doesn’t want it is consoling me, even if he ends up doing it…I don’t know, its twisted.
So my questions are:
Does it still happen that people are forced to marry someone?
Is this a zulu thing or just general?
If you were me, what would you do?