Being a mother changes you. It changes your perspecive on simple and major things. You become less trusting of people. More suspicious. It's necessary because you have to protect your little one. But when does it become OK to let go of this inability to just let them grow? How does one let go?
My baby started creche the other day. I had hoped and even planned for this to happen when he's around 2 yrs of age and able to construct audible sentences. I wanted him to go out into the big bad world when he would at least be able o come back and give me a full report on who did what where when how and how he felt about whatever was said/done. Unfortunately that was not to be. Circumstances forced me to take him, at 18 months of age...and he's not even talking "our" language yet. *sigh*
I was both excited and scared for him. He is at that age where he wants and needs the company of other children around him to play and get up to things little children get up to. I'd noticed how he'd interact when we went to malls and kiddies' parties and I felt I was somehow denying him that need to be part of the "gang". I was also feeling terrible of always going "Punku no!" "Punku don't touch!" "Punku sit still in your chair!"....DON'T DON'T DON'T....Children are children and we should try as much as possible to just let them be kids. And the problems with my aunt (the helper) were getting unbearable and I felt who am I gonna trust to be honest and trustworthy if I can't even trust my own mother's sister...someone I look at as my own mother...???
Today's the third day and he still cries when I leave him there. The look on his face when I come to pick him up in the afternoons is a sight for sore eyes. I wish I could read his mind and find out what he's thinking and feeling. Hehehe they tell me he's "picky", something he's NEVER done before. He only wants to play with the only other 2 black babies in his class. And he only wants to be "handled" by the black teacher. He banna...I was shocked when I heard this cause he's always playing with every race out there...He doesn't eat bread so when it comes to snack time he goes without as he just wants to play with his bread. He also has a problem with chewy food like meat and chicken...doesn't want to chew so he'll take one mouthful and chew that like it's chewing gum and never swallow. I'm resisting the ever constant urge to just pack him the food he's used to (mash and mushy stuff) as they serve really healthy food there and he has to learn to eat what the rest of the world is eating. At the same time I'm also worried he might just start losing weight if he doesn't start soon. My baby's used to being rocked to sleep. Now when it's nap time he has to learn to go to sleep on his own. Don't get me wrong, this is the best creche I could find, bloody expensive too so I know they're doing a good job. I mean even I fell in love with the place and the staff...
Ja ja ja I know I know they have to learn and grow up and be taught some "independence" but damn if I don't feel like charging in there and give them orders all day when I'm siting at work wondering how he's doing all day. On his first day I called to ask how he was as I'd left him crying and the principal just laughed at me and tried to reassure him. This mothering business is tough!
But this is a good thing. He's getting to play the whole day without any DON'TS! At least he's in a place where he'll learn a little thing about integration (something which is apparently still lacking in this country) and he's being exposed to a different world from what he's used to. Children love to explore so this is a good thing...right? I need some reassurance please! Mothers and fathers out there please help put my achey heart at peace...!