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Trust!

Written by zolx from the blog Inner view on 03 Jun 2008
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Hi y'all. I've been thinking of writing this blog but just didnt have time or wasnt in the right frame of mind. Well today when i saw Hlehle's blog called I dont believe it, i thought i should put this out in the open.

Well, this topic is about trust in a relationship. As some of you might remember my first post here was confiding that my husband had cheated on me. It came as a blow believe you me but we moved on and i forgave him even though that wasnt easy. I forgave him but i still havent forgotten what he did. I had so many questions of why he cheated that even he couldnt answer.

Now, trying to move on and build our marriage his cheating always comes up. I still cant trust him even thou he's told me countless times that he wont do it again. I dont trust him, i mean why should i when he looked me in the eye and lied to me- i had to gather facts for myself even tho i suspected something. Now i dont want us talking about leaving a cheater - as that's not what this article is about.

I dont condone what he did and he knows he dare not do it again or else...WHat i want to hear from you is how do you trust someone again. I'm the kind of person who trust easily and i never anticipated that he would cheat on me. I still have a feeling that he's cheating, i page his phone, his diary and ALWAYS want to know who he's with when he's out of my sight. Now, that's not normal and that's not how i was before he did what he did. its been months already but i still cant get over what he did. He's trying his best for me to trust him again but its not helping. Now i'd like to know what can i do from my side so as to meet him halfway (i know he doesnt deserve this) but for my sanity i'd do anything for this relationship to be normal again.

Now, please can we blog without mudslinging.

44 Comments

zolx
03 Jun 2008 08:49

Advice? ANyone??

Toxic
03 Jun 2008 08:56

it can never be normal again. you're paranoid and u may never ever trust him again so i suggest you either sacrifice your own needs to make the relationship normal or you move on out of his life.

zolx
03 Jun 2008 09:01

Moving out is the last thing on my mind because i would seem like a failure. I cant run for dear life when things go sour - i'm just looking for a way to forget the cheating. I know there's no pill for it but eish..

Toxic
03 Jun 2008 09:10

it'll always be in the back of my your mind Zolx...you can't forget it. U can try to understand it, or rationalise it or believe that it had nothing to do with you but you will never forget it.

If you want to stay in the relationship then stop torturing yourself over it and rebuild whatever pieces were broken.

zolx
03 Jun 2008 09:14

but that's what i'm trying to do. I'm not questioning why he did it anymore and i dont blame myself for it either. Its just difficult to trust him again. I thought with time i'd learn to trust him again but its been a while &the trust isnt there.

Forbidden
03 Jun 2008 09:22

Girl, I been there...not really married but in a commited relationship. I trusted him with my life. I was so confidant in our relationship that i never really doubted or questioned him before.

until IT happened.. I was was shattered. But we were together for so long that I couldn't bear being without him. After a long break, we realised that we still need each other. We are not a couple anymore but better friends than we were...just so i can get my head around everything coz just as you say..you never stop thinking about the cheating, everything is reminder of what happened, i found myself going through his phone, reading sms & double checking on where he was all the time. It's not right to live that life for both of you.

So I got it off my chest, I cried & asked why... and decided that I need time to heal..Time to get my mind around everything, time to miss him, time to trust him & time to love him again.

faraimagic
03 Jun 2008 09:25

PPSA he he he he he LOL eey kunzima!

zolx
03 Jun 2008 09:27

sho forbidden that's hard. I also thot that would help- being away from him and to miss him. Soon after i found out about his cheating i went home but not for long cos he was there a day after begging me to come back home. I didnt tell my family what he'd done and didnt really want to get them involved. SO i kept it to myself & thot we should sort it out ourselves. I'm just struggling to trust again - and we never realise the importance trust plays in a relationship until its gone...

zolx
03 Jun 2008 09:28

PPSA he he he he he LOL eey kunzima! - and that faraimagic. can you say that again in english this time

zolx
03 Jun 2008 09:29

anyway..its hometime now...chat to you all tomorrow... Byyeee!!

Toxic
03 Jun 2008 09:30

So I got it off my chest, I cried & asked why... and decided that I need time to heal..Time to get my mind around everything, time to miss him, time to trust him & time to love him again.

Is it working for you now Forbidden?

andi01
03 Jun 2008 10:13

Leaving someone you love is very painful, trust me I know, but nothing is more painful than being in a relation without trust, yhooo its like hell on earth and eventually the relationship comes to an end. Once someone breaks your trust, he breaks you. You become insecure and your self esteem drops. U change from the free spirited person you once was, to a "pocket searching woman, who lives in fear of history repeating itself. Now tell me girls is that the kinda life we wanna live bcoz of an arsehole, who cant keep his zipper up.

As much as you love him, leave him, why stay for someone who will never love you as much as you love him, he only wants to distroy you, coz he alredi has u thinking, whats wrong with u, when its him who is at fault. You can agree with me on this, fights have increased, you argue more than you laugh, you look at him with more resentment than admiration. If I were you my bags would be packed by now, before I throw boiling water on him.

Forbidden
03 Jun 2008 10:27

Toxic - It's to soon to tell... But so far so good.

It's hard, coz you never really forget...it always haunts, you wonder, is he really over her, was she better than me, what was I lacking and will he do it again. He says he won't and seems really sencere... The only thing is to dive in with your eyes closed and hope it all works out.

I like having my friend again... I like the effort he's putting in. Not coz he has to, but coz he wants to

Tshd21
03 Jun 2008 10:35

Oh Andi....everybody deserves a second chance...

Zolx...like I said....everybody deserves a second chance. The only way forward is to start by rebuilding the trust that was broken.....it's going to take time but if you are commited to your marriage, It can be done.

At the end of the day, the choice is yours dudette...we can sit here and debate all we want but after all is said and done....you know what you are going through and you know what you can take in......

People make mistakes, acknowledge them, the pain they have caused upon others and if forgiven, through trust, are able to look forward and never repeat them again....
But others don''t...they make mistakes and still go on and repeat them...knowing that since the person forgave the first time, they will do it again....

Which kind is your husband??

You know your heart and your husband...This a choice you will have to make on your own because at the end of the day....when you sleep...it's just you, your concious and pain....

2cents worth...

Firstdvd
03 Jun 2008 10:56

ZOLX i agree wit ANDI1...I'm sorry to say this to you but the fact is: Life is tooooo short. U don't have to regret life...U forgive a man...What happen next? He's taking advantage of u. Don't let a man use u! Do what is best for u. Gudluck!

Firstdvd
03 Jun 2008 10:57

Mambox
03 Jun 2008 11:08

It's funny that were sitting here and saying all this. I wonder if this blog was written by a man and other man were responding we would have the same responces.

Guys don't really care...they always put themselves first (i there's one who's not like this laaaawwd send him my way)

I've been through a lot with men. as much as this blog is not about me i can relate completely. i don't know what i would do if my husband had to cheat on me. it would just kill me.

Zolx girl all i can tell you is be strong and keep ur eyes fixed on god. Yonke into izolunga just give it time!!

Lady D
03 Jun 2008 16:04

Zolx,this is marriage you are talking about girl!!So ja,i agree with Tsd21 on this one.You just can't pack and go like that,hell no!!!Girl the both of took those this vows in front of God,for better or worse rember?You never said only if he keeps his vows too,you are not a girl but a woman now.Trust,just like a house is easy to break but difficult to build,but not impossible.Slowly you will learn to trust him again,like you said he is also trying to win your trust back.

Remember,marriage is not only about you and your husband,its about two families that both of you brought together,no one said it was going to be easy.So instead of you being your husbands police, get your own life,your own friends,go out,have fun.That should help you take your mind off things a bit.But give him a second chance,don't be hasty.Build that marriage,like a true strong African woman you were raised to be,not like a quiter!!!

gaitsedi
03 Jun 2008 19:21

i think second chanse se gat/my foot,people are dying,the are so many desease out there,dont you think abt your life comes first?

thats why men dont respect us

Strolicious
04 Jun 2008 01:13

iyo Kunzima,bt tell ur man how u feel,talk to him about it make him feel bad.

Nonny
04 Jun 2008 01:18

hectic stuff!!!!!

zolx
04 Jun 2008 01:19

yho, just logged in - you guys have said a mouthful. I'm no quitter but also that doesnt mean that i'll let him walk all over me because ndiyakwazi ubekezela. He knows i'm no walk-over and i made it clear that its the first & last time he's doing this or else there wont be "us". The only struggle at the moment is just giving him the benefit of the doubt and just hope that with time as forbidden has said , i might learn to trust him again. But only time will tell...right

zolx
04 Jun 2008 01:25

@ Strolicious - tell ur man how u feel,talk to him about it make him feel bad. he knows and everytime he has to go out or explain anything to me he knows somewhere in the back of my mind i still wonder if he's being honest with me. He feels bad and so he should. But that's also not how i want us to carry on - making each other feel bad about our mistakes. I'm not condoning what he did but we cant keep on talking about the same thing - we need to move forward having learnt a lesson from our mistakes, in this case i know he's learnt his lesson.

belz
04 Jun 2008 01:29

Eish zolx, my gal im sorry to hear this, i think as Lady D has said this is a marriage you cant give up like that, trusting again is almost impossible but if both of you are willing to try again please do that, you seem like you love this man, so work on it. i know cheating is neva right and if you were not married my advice would be different, i would have suggested you leave him.

Firstdvd
04 Jun 2008 01:31

Its clear that your really in love Zolx...Now the big 'Q' is, does he love u the way u do? All the best Zolx ;-)

Strolicious
04 Jun 2008 01:38

have u ever think of cheating,make dat will make u feel betta,bathi iva likhishwa ngelinye,tell him dat da only way to get ova dis,im not saying cheating is good but u will never now,mina i used to do dat ,when i fnd out my exbf was cheating i told him ,dude it on.

Cnglemother
04 Jun 2008 01:42

Tru belz its kinda difficullt as this is a marriage situation and there's a lot to be considered. you have a long way to go before you regain that trust, my cousin sister cheated on her grandpa type husband 10 years ago and they forgave each and now live happily ever after, she never cheated again. So each case is different, so maybe lets nots give up on people just like that. We are all human and make mistakes, i can hear bullets coming my way after this comment.

Brown Shuga
04 Jun 2008 01:45

The question is "how do you trust someone again?" and honestly, I don't know if you can completely trust him again after what happened. If you ever get to a point where you trust him again, it will be a story worth sharing so keep track of your journey...
Good luck though Zolx, hopefully things will work out for the best.

Nonny
04 Jun 2008 01:45

No bullets Cnglema. All is well.

zolx
04 Jun 2008 01:50

Thanks guys. @ Stro - no i've never thought of cheating and dont intend to. I love him and i think he loves me the same way - just that he made a stupid mistake that he's now paying for. So from what i gather from you guys is with time maybe i can trust him again. Thanks guys

Charlie Brown
04 Jun 2008 02:00

People deserve second chances. So Zolx here's my advise.

When you said you forgive him that's when you - not him - made a decision to STAY in this relationship. All bets are off at this stage because once you said you forgive him you HAVE to move on. Yes, things wont be the same but you will begin a "new" relationship because the experience has changed your relationship with him. You cant NOW bring up the past. You are not allowed to bring it up during fights or keep tabs on where or who he's with. Building trust again is PRACTICAL you have to practice it - you cant just wave a magic wand.

I think its unfair on your partner to keep forcing him to make you feel better about this. He cant do it. He has confessed and asked for forgiveness. You can not say to someone you forgive them but you are still crucifying him for his sins. Forgiveness means you take yourself out of the situation and you leave it behind. You look forward. You either forgive a person and move on or you dont and move out! You cant have it both ways.

Life is tooo short. Make a decision that is best for you because right now you are not living a full life. Its not healthy for you or your relationship.

zolx
04 Jun 2008 02:07

@ Charlie Brown - Its not healthy for you or your relationship. - i agree which is why i'm acknowledging that the trust that's not there is not doing good for our marriage. You know sometimes you can forgive - wholeheartedly futhi - but its not easy to erase the memory from your mind - so i havent forgotten. Lord knows i want to forget cos i think as soon as i forget then the trust process will begin. Trust is not something you can switch on and off - i aggree with you - but my mind tells me i should trust him but my heart is not ready yet, its still sore from what happened or maybe i'm just careful that it (heart) is not broken again. I dont know but i hear you Charlie.

Charlie Brown
04 Jun 2008 02:52

I know its hard for you - I am not married myself but I feel you. Its even harder coz you cant even take a time out to go and heal and come back. Marriage forces you to deal with things immediately because you live with the person. Its not like uyajola and you can go home when you want to. But try to steal a few alone moments and try to recover by medidating and praying. You cant do this alone you have to ask for guidance from God.

Just dont let this eat away at you - you might lose yourself. So maybe the secrete is not trying so hard. Take it one day at a time. We are in no hurry. Acknowledge good moments with him and have your bad moments - embrace them. As long as you are working towards a goal you will be fine. Keep your eye on the prize. Hang in there kuzolunga....

Dimago
04 Jun 2008 02:54

I havent read the replies, but Zolx, have you guys tried counselling? This will help open the communication lines, you can both say how you feel in a 'safe' environment.

zolx
04 Jun 2008 03:05

Ta Charlie Brown for the encouraging words. Yes Dimago i have thought of going for counselling but he doesnt wanna. He's a very private person and doesnt want people knowing our business. I also heard (from FAMSA) that i could go alone if he's not ready but not so sure if that would help our situation. we'll see though maybe counselling is the only way - we've tried on our own but its just dragging on. I'll try & talk to him again about going. Thank you guys - your advice came in handy - will definately use it.

MamaOmpha
04 Jun 2008 03:37

I think you never really forget what happened. I went through this and Im still trying to forgive or forget this and I have put them in stages

Stage one'
I was very angry and I swore I would never speak to him again let alone see him.

Stage two
I started missing him. Calling him and putting down the phone when he answers and then finally agreeing to "talk about it" with him

Stage three
I agreed to give the relationship another chance but I was driving myself and him crazy because whenever he was not with me I would think he was with 'her". It looked like I wanted him to cheat again so I can tell him that he was lying when he said he would never cheat again

Stage four
this is the stage that I'm at the moment. I still don't trust him but I still want to be with him. I don't care if he is cheating or not because in my mind I told myself that he has done it before so he will do it again. So I told myself whatever happens its OK. Looking at him makes me sick but when he not around I miss him. Deep down I know I don't love him anymore but I just can face seeing him with someone else.

poshspice
04 Jun 2008 03:41

Finding out for the first time that your husband has been unfaithful is one of the most difficult thing to deal with. however, my dear you will heal in time.

I have a friend,her husband cheated with her best friend, she was livid, for some time,but they are fine now.checking up on him is normal and he has to give you time to heal and mend the broken trust

I had so many questions of why he cheated that even he couldnt answer

Zolx men don't need a reason to cheat, it just lust and inability to resist temptation. it has nothing to do with their partner and they do not mean to hurt you, it's just that there is so much temptation out there, even for us women even married women. my married friends are also firghting temptation and they get approached by different men who are willing to understand they are married women.

Men generally don't like counselling, even if they go it doesn't really work..
I'd suggest you go alone. it will will provide you with an ability to manage the situation better for your own sanity.you need it and it does work.

Cnglemother
04 Jun 2008 03:42

awu bantu Zolx, another chance, elinye ithuba in Teargas's lyrics.

in Tshidi21's words People make mistakes, acknowledge them, the pain they have caused upon others and if forgiven, through trust, are able to look forward and never repeat them again.... Amen, and what kinda people have we become that we dont learn to accept other people mistakes and give them a second chance, usathane uyasilinga sonke ( I tried to say this in English but i could not).

i page his phone, his diary and ALWAYS want to know who he's with when he's out of my sight, lay low on this behaviour coz its not helping the situation but you are torturing yourself.

Best-Achiever
04 Jun 2008 04:42

@Zolx ... im sorry to learn this .... As much as im a firm girl pride but here we a talking marriage ..like other bloggers said, you just dont pack and go as if nisajola(inlove but not married), i also wont just pack and leave(*yes i said it*), i think counselling will do good if you both attend it.
Try to explain to him why you need to attend it, make him realise that this i not about him cheating but about your marriage sinking.

And Let God lead you

zolx
04 Jun 2008 04:45

@ Cnglma - lay low on this behaviour coz its not helping the situation but you are torturing yourself.eish its hard but as MamaOmpha has said, sometimes its as if i want to catch him again. I know this wont do us any good. I'll try & book a session formyelf for conselling. Will tell you guys of the outcome. I'll give it a try & see how it goes cos really now i'm the one sitting with a problem here, yes i know it affects both of us but if i can get through this - then we can be normal again.

zolx
04 Jun 2008 04:48

Ta guys for all your words of encouragement and advice. FIrst step from here is to lay low & convince him to go with me to counselling, if he's still not willing then i'll do it alone. Thanks again.

Now i'd like to disable or close this blog - how do i do that?

belz
04 Jun 2008 05:01

Oh MamaO. you are being possessive or obsessed with him and its not good for you, shame man.

Toxic
04 Jun 2008 06:59

HOW TO DISABLE
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zolx
04 Jun 2008 07:30

Thanks Tox

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