What an episode! That was definitely a classic Survivor blindside if there ever was one. In one way, I’m sorry to see James go. He was…expressive, to say the least, and I’ll miss the trash-talking and reaction shots.
On the other hand, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing an overly arrogant player get their ass served to them when they least expect it, and lord knows James has been really piling on the cockiness lately. Actually, I’m lying. There’s one thing more satisfying then that, and that’s seeing someone with not one but two immunity idols getting voted out.
The fact that I was really turned off by his whiny baby attitude during the whole Peih-Gee incident from a couple of weeks ago made me appreciate the whole incident a little more. What can I say – I’m fickle. Unfortunately for James, so are his fellow Survivor contestants.
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Much more disappointing was the resolution of the Tribal Council cliffhanger. Instead of something cool like a surprise vote or a violent death-match, it turned out to be a measly Reward Challenge. Colour me unimpressed.
The reward itself was pretty cool but not enough to make up for two weeks’ worth of built-up disappointment. It was a trip to a genuine Shaolin monastery, home of badass kung-fu masters and tasty vegetarian cooking. PG won this once-in-a-lifetime trip and picked Erik and Denise to go with her.
This left Todd, James, Amanda, and Courtney to head back to camp and talk about how nice it would be to be the final four. James mentioned an absurd number of times how easy it would be to frolic to the finals. I never thought James would be much of a frolicker. Makes me picture him as Bambi gamboling through a field of daisies towards a giant million-dollar cheque.
There was one small quirk: the fact that Amanda saw this final four as less of an ideal situation and more of a hellish worst case scenario to be avoided at all costs. Can you blame her? James the tank would flatten whoever he was up against in the final two, Napoleon Twinkaparte is about as trustworthy as he is tall, and Courtney is…I’m actually not sure why Courtney would be a bad person to have in the final four. She’s exactly the kind of player who’d get a jury frothing at the mouth about perceived coattail-riding and un-deservedness.
PG was up to a few things of her own. She’d picked Denise with the hope of trying to lure her to Team John Woo. Denise listened politely but didn’t exactly jump at the opportunity. Poor Denise’s mullet is obviously inhibiting her memory since she keeps forgetting the times her so-called alliance has left her out of decisions.
Strategies were set aside once the three of them arrived at the Shaolin temple where they got to watch monks pulling off moves that would make Jackie Chan blush. Denise decided to show off a few moves of her own. Turns out she’s one roundhouse kick to the face away from being a black belt in karate. I have a sudden desire to watch a movie about a mulleted lunch-lady karate expert who fights crime in her spare time. Someone get Jerry Bruckheimer on the phone right now.
Smart cookies
When the three of them returned back to camp, they found the rest of the castaways huddled in a cave hiding away from the rain. PG entered the cave to talk about her time with the kung-fu masters, which secretly pissed Courtney off. “My cave, my preciouuuussss,” she hissed, fury shining in her half-mad eyes. I know they’re possessive of their real estate in New York, but this is a little much.
James too was not pleased with PG violating the sanctity of the cave by talking about her Shaolin field trip. When PG dared mention the word “cookies”, James’s eyes bugged out like some overly muscled version of the Cookie Monster. Hush, PG! Don’t you know that baked goods, like politics and religion, should never be discussed in polite company?
Amanda was not to be distracted by either caves or cookies. She had decided that James needed to leave yesterday and that the only way to get rid of him was to vote for him when he wasn’t expecting it. If James won the Immunity Challenge, her plan would be decidedly useless.
In the IC, the contestants had to fling throwing stars at targets. First kung-fu, now throwing stars? I’m beginning to think this Survivor thing is a front for a secret ninja assassin training camp – like Get Smart only with more incompetence. PG proved she was better at throwing challenges than throwing stars, while Courtney surprised the world with yet another thing she was good at. James looked like a real thread but Erik prevailed instead to win the immunity necklace and a place at the Burnettian Elite Ninja Training Academy.
Step two in Amanda’s plan was to get Todd and Denise on board the James-Must-Go express along with herself and Courtney. Since she seems to dictate who stays and who goes at the best of times, this proved to be simple, even with Todd’s reservations. He knew that he would probably be the one with the second-most votes. The less simple part was ensuring no-one spilt the beans in any way and got James suspicious enough to play one of the idols he did have.
Cue PG, who discovered an idol hidden above James’ regular sleeping spot, and immediately went to tell Amanda about this stunning discovery. PG started Jean-Roberting “OMG, AM I BLOWING YOUR MIND WITH THIS INFORMATION?!” before asking if Amanda was aware a hidden immunity idol even existed. Jeff asks about the bloody thing every TC, you blithering idiot! Everyone flipping knows! Amanda was all “Uh yeah, I’m not stupid” and admirably managed to avoid calling PG a dumbass.
PG then started off spouting excitedly about how they needed to blindside James. She was interrupted by Amanda, who advised her to be cool and trust her in a calming and Jedi-like manner. PG then gave a rare smile as she realised exactly what Amanda was hinting at.
Digging his own grave
Where was James in all of this? Talking about apples, as usual, and how no-one needed to be grabbing the apple before the final four. I’d be more worried about Amanda grabbing those two tasty cookies straight out of your hands if I were you, James. He also interviewed that he was the one basically holding the alliance together. Since when? I wonder if there was a brain swap cut out of a previous episode because he’s showing JR levels of delusion as to what exactly his position is in the game.
Pride cometh before a fall and nowhere is that more true on a heavily edited reality show where they can pick and choose soundbytes of your most overconfident moments.
Boy, were there a lot of nervous faces during TC. The situation was a delicate one. One misplaced word, one guilty glance, and James would sniff out what was happening. Todd fidgeted, PG allowed a glimmer of hope to flicker across her normally Droopy Dawg-esque demeanour, and even Amanda almost let her poker face slip a few times. Surely, James would figure it out? Surely?
The votes were cast and Jeff asked if there was anyone who wanted to play the hidden immunity idol. A loooooong moment of silence followed as the camera cut from a suspicious-looking James to a twitchy Todd. Yet somehow, James did not pick up on how everyone was giving him the shifty side-eye. The moment passed and Jeff read out the votes.
Todd stopped twitching and smiled a triumphant smile. All the tension fell from PG’s shoulders. Amanda’s face remained neutral because she is stone cold awesome like that. And James? Well, James looked less shocked than you would expect. In his exit interview, he was understanding about the whole thing, smiling as he showed off his useless immunity idols. Maybe he can auction them off on Ebay.
Idle hands are devil’s tools
While idol hands are heaven-sent
But only idle, thoughtless fools
Let idol thoughts remain unspent
Take advantage of your strengths
Use all your assets while you can
‘Cos if you don’t, you’ll find at length
That someone’s got a better plan