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should I move in with him?

Written by honey147 from the blog the ugly truth on 28 Jan 2010
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After i thought my man was cheating on me for weeks,
i came to realise that he was setting up a meeting with his family
so they could all meet me,as the mother of his handsome son.So now
we are back on and just the other day as we were having dinner and some wine
"he blurbed out that "He will like us to be married one day ,and that he would
like me to move in with him".At first I gazed at him then i just carried on like
he did not say anything.Then the next morning he told me he found a place and
how perfect it was,with a three bedrooms with an en-suite bathroom just like I like it
and asked me if i would consider moving in with him,if he were to speak to both
our parents.

At first I felt so excited that he sees himself with me long-term,but then
a thought occurred to me an di had to think about the exact words he said
did he say "If i could speak to both our parents",Helloo..isn't he supposed to send his uncles?
i mean is he just trying to get what he wants everyday and use and abuse my services?
Or is he trying to figure out if we were meant to be?or is he just ditching the ring?
i mean the truth is i cant wait for him to propose..hell i have been waiting 4 years...
why cant he just buy a ring and ask me so we can get on with it already..i mean is it really difficult?
Or should i just wait until he proposes before i move in..what if he does not do it soon enough?
coz i dont want to pay rent anymore...pls advise...

37 Comments

Savanah Dry
29 Jan 2010 10:01

Sorry but i do not understand, if you already have a son with him then why would you think he is using your goods when he has already used them???????

GML
29 Jan 2010 10:07

Tell him how you feel and ask him what his plans are.

It should give you an indication of how long before he pops the question.

Shouldn't his family know you already if you have a son with him.

You could also tell him your folks will not be happy with you just moving in with him when you're not married.

Just talk to him

sthini
29 Jan 2010 10:21

Some men just need to be pushed in the right direction... tell him how u feel, don't be shy to speak your mind, yet don't put any pressure on him as that myt drive him away.... never lower your standards to keep your men, stick to your boundaries, and he will follow, and he will know which line not to cross when u are married, and will never take u for granted....ask the WHEN, WHY, HOW, WHERE, WHAT!! dont just be a "YES", "NO" girlfriend...

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 10:22

gal, is he a black guy? if so he knows exatly that u can't move in with him without paying lobola. he needs to pay lobola first even half of it atleast.

he must understand that this is not Generubbish or Isidingo. this is real life.
what took his so long to introduce the mother of his child to his family? 4 years is very long time. isn't he suppose to pay Inhlawulo (dameges) for your son? he's not Dumisani and u r not Khethiwe so get real and tell this man to DO THE RIGHT THING!

cleve
29 Jan 2010 10:46

Don't move in with him until he has paid lobola for you......... No ways if he is not financialy ready then he shouldn't be thinking about moving in with you. You will cook for him, wash his clothes and look after the house and then he dumps you. Gets married within 6 months. Let him work hard for you so that you can be cherished, show him that you are not just a walk over.

NO GIRL!

Lex
29 Jan 2010 11:05

I totally agree with sthini,talk to the guy and if you feel comfortable with his answers then you can take it from there.But if it were up to me,you wouldnt move in with him until he has paid lobola or at least proposed formally.

Cande
29 Jan 2010 11:15

yes GML, i am also wondering gore if you have a baby with him shouldnt his parents know you already?

Toronto
29 Jan 2010 11:20

Dont move in with him....especially wen you are confused like this.

Sobza
29 Jan 2010 11:29

Only you know what you want and the decision lies with you. Do what is right for you, what we will do is to confuse you even more. If you feel that he should be the one doing the one speaking to the parents part then tell him.

Communication is vital in a relationship, he is not perfect....you are not perfect and no body is perfect. You are in that relationship to build each other not to look at each other's faults. Your man might have some short-comings, you as a partner are there to complement him and show him where his mistakes are.

Floh
29 Jan 2010 12:36

A Dumisane and Khethy story, you guys are so old fashioned.

Who said you can't move in with your man if you not married. Go get your experience sisters, it's important this days, moving in with him will also save you some rent moola as you highlighted.

sthini
29 Jan 2010 12:58

Floh as you can see, she wants long term commitment, if she want to just save on rent money, i say she goes ahead, and not even axpect any sort of commitment from him, as its a 50/50 chance...

and it has been proven that vat n sit ends up just as that for many people... some are lucky...

we women should stop thinking with our wallets, forget about material things(but make sure u are secure financially) if we want to be taken seriously and be respected by our partners... cos next thing he will feel like he owns you, then neglect, take u for granted...

thtas why we end up having to beg, push them to do certain things for us even for themselves sometimes... lets not forget our self worth, cos once we get that ryt, he will get it ryt aswell... its about what u put out there, that will attract the way u want to be treated...

honey147
29 Jan 2010 13:01

I hear you guys,but i just feel so confused coz I need to move out of my place this sunday,

by the way guys i knew his mom and siblings
but this time around he brought all the family relatives frm Eastern Cape(aunts,cousins,cousins's boyfriends an d we had a braii and it was nice and they bought the baby clothes..and it was so nice my family was also there by the way

in my culture...we dont charge '..damages until the guy decides that he does not want to be part of my life or the babies's....but instead we slaughter a sheep to welcome the baby in this world..which he did...

but after all of this ..do you really think he would leave me?

GML
29 Jan 2010 13:08

You and your man should have spoken about your plans and had guidelines as to what should happen and when

Example,
2010- get married
2011- Try for 2nd child etc.

It is important in relationships to always talk about plans because people, circumstances and situations change. Constant evaluation of a relationship can help and save you heartache.

Talk to him about his plans and your plans and find a way to incorporate both plans into each others lives

sthini
29 Jan 2010 13:45

Okay now u want to move in with him for the wrong reasons, because u wont have a place.... chances are he wont leave you, just take the following into consideration...

move in with him cos u are ready, for now u can tell him you are only moving in with him cos your lease expired and its temporary, and it will only be permanant once you guys come to a conclusion about the future, decision that you are both more or less happy with...basically come to a compromise..

I have a cousin who got married to her boyfriend because she wanted to live with him(vat en sit), but her church/religion did not allow it...now they are divorced, and she is vatin en sitting with another man now...

base your decision on feelings, security for u and your child...Remember its not just about u, there is a child involved...

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 13:49

A Dumisane and Khethy story, you guys are so old fashioned.

maybe we r old fashion but we r also black and beautiful, we respect ourselves and we want others to respect us. we know our traditions and we respect them no matter what. sho u can afford your own rent , be a real woman!

Sips
29 Jan 2010 14:13

"He will like us to be married one day ,and that he would
like me to move in with him". He would like you to be his wife "ONE DAY" what he wants now is for you to move in with him... i think you should get the married thing out of your mind and make your decision about moving in with him or not

You will cook for him, wash his clothes and look after the house....cleve who said one must do that.....she'll cook b/z she wants to and she has to eat...buy a washing machine or take the washing to the laundry & get an aunty to do - then the guy will pay the person...looking after the house in what way? The minute she starts acting like his wife he will walk all over him but if you both act as room mates and respect each other you'll be okay

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 14:18

if you both act as room mates and respect each other you'll be okay
haybo Sips, how can they act as room mates when they r not? Cleve is right.

edgards
29 Jan 2010 14:24

women..You probably know the answer already,4 Yrs and you have a kid,You guys should be married already...Ask him about his plans about the two or three of you guys....

tshetlha
29 Jan 2010 14:25

I agree with Floh, Wjo said it is wrong to move in with your man if you want to?????? I dont see a problem, Move in with him, get the experience, get to know and understand one another. It also safes you from making the mistake of marrying a person you dont really love and like. You will also be able to see if he is careless if you are careless. Also when its hard times how you too cope about it.

I say if you are ready and you love each other move in with him....Good luck!!!

mstick
29 Jan 2010 14:41

Dear honey147

Your story is a dillema faced by many young people in our country, my take here is the man loves you thats for sure but it seems like his still not sure if you the woman he wants to marry thats y he prefers you guys to move in together first then he will make his decision from there. You guys have been together for 4 years and he still havent pop the question dont despair it will happen if its meant to happen.

It seems like you are not sure of his intentions with you and this kind of judgement could only happen if there was something he did to make you think that way abt him.....you are a very patient woman something i lack myself anyway back to you.....sweetie do what you feel is right listen to your heart i for one dont condone moving in with a partner if marriege is not finalised but thats me and if you decide to move in with him to see if it will make him marry you oneday, then nothing wrong with that.....make sure you doing this for the love not only for the ring for the 4 years you've been imaging it on your finger.

Love
Mam Ruby

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 14:45

i for one dont condone moving in with a partner if marriege is not finalised but thats me, make that the two of us, well said!

Lobby the girl
29 Jan 2010 14:48

Bathong, remember not compare Honey's relationship with ours, just bcause I moved with the guy in without considering marriage, she must do the same..

Warning Hon my dear..this advices are to be taken into consideration when you make your decision, not take them as decision..

To move in with someone is your own choice no one is forcing anyone..it can b a mistake or not, 0nly time will tell, some used to stay together b4 they get married and yes they did suceed like Tshetlha said u learn your mistakes and his, and even how to cope with each other 's moods or bad behavours..but sometimes it doesn't work so what, only God can judge, fela..

So watever you decide make sure u will deal with the consequences, I am not saying moving in with wont lead to marriage, but sometimes u got 2 leave a room 4 dissapoinment..

myname
29 Jan 2010 14:53

LOL mstick just have 2 laugh at ur signature. Thanks Mam Ruby, u r done sweetheart.

Afternoon gud ppl

myname
29 Jan 2010 15:04

but sometimes u got 2 leave a room 4 dissapoinment..thats true girl.

My last EX is gonna ask her current gf next week 2 marry him, he came 2 tel me that nge lunch. So i feel lyk telling u guys mxiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmm. I just said, "Yhooooo im happy 4 u"....with that "smile"..........mfffffiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

All i need 4 supper is cheese cake & vanilla custard. Oh & one of my best romantic movies mxxxxxxxxxxxiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Thank God im alone this weekend.

myname
29 Jan 2010 15:07

Oh by the way Honey, they were staying 2gether for months so who knows nawe u can get hitched.

Good luck standwa sam 2 whatever decision u make. May the Lord b with u girlfriend all the times.

Lela
29 Jan 2010 15:17

4years and a child and he is only asking you to move in,nc nc nc. Here I thought these 3yrs in a relationship, a child and vat n sit was the worst thing, i must sommer have hope mos. Sana I'm in a vat n sit ngoku and I still can't advise you cz for me it's the worst decision I've ever made, cz he now thinks I'm his wife, he is not under any pressure to go and pay lobola, and he has lost all respect for me and he takes me for granted. Just because this happening ima relationship I ca't say it's gonna happen in yours.

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 15:17

All i need 4 supper is cheese cake & vanilla custard.

kwakwakwakwakwakwakwakwakwa!!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!!!!! i am so sorry gal, lol

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 15:23

Tjo Lela!, i'm sorry for what u going through. but thats exatly what's gonna haoppen to her if she go ahead with this vat and set yakhona. thats wahy WE BLACK SOUTH AFRICANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT, no matter how educated and classy we r.

myname
29 Jan 2010 15:28

Hlekisa Tholi mfethu. To think of it, he asked me 2 stay with him while were still an item bt i rejected him.

Lela, thats bad honey, bt is it 2 late 2 gain ur self respect back? I DONT THINK SO. Do something sis, u have ur own power.

honey147
29 Jan 2010 15:38

Okay..After i have received all ur advise ...I actuall sent him an sms to let him know that i cant move in until I know..that he will pop the question soon

and guess his reply...he asked "are you trying to dump me,luv?..
i mean really..I thought honesty was the right policy...

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 15:38

Thank God, u rejected his proposal myname, cos u never know whats God's plan about u. maybe he was gonna dump u and marry this gal, even though u were staying together.

Floh
29 Jan 2010 15:43

I need to thath' ikhava bloggers. I am sorry to dance in your funeral Honey, I wasn't for real, I was just shukumisa'd the bloggers.

Vat 'n Sit is good or bad.

My friend was vatad with her love of her life ( that's what she thought) for almost 4 yrs, she was also used, cheated under the sheets and now dumped. On her journey of discovery she learnt he was not her soulmate.

Tholi
29 Jan 2010 15:45

I actuall sent him an sms to let him know that i cant move in until I know..that he will pop the question soon >>>>>>> Do u really think he as gonna tell u if he's not gonna pop a question soon? gal, please do what your hears tells u to do. but i still think moving in with him is a bad idea.

Floh
29 Jan 2010 15:46

Hhayi Honey...........face the guy and see his reaction. SMSing is not on. So you changed your MTN points to ask the big Q

mstick
29 Jan 2010 16:34

LOL mstick just have 2 laugh at ur signature. Thanks Mam Ruby, u r done sweetheart.

Afternoon gud ppl

LOL.....good afternoon to you 2:-) and bye bye

honey147
29 Jan 2010 16:41

no Floh..I'm vodacom and contract..u really funny thou....

mathata
29 Jan 2010 17:18

invest your life in something,build your life .......human!4yrs free cake ...hell no!how lucky he is.

something is not right,even Zambian guy doesnt mind to take a bad lady to meet his mama,for the sake of the child,

honey work hard for good salary bcs you will endup like a helper or matjenkelane,free things.....not good at all.

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