I will just so mara write an article about this after reading comments on the Monday World article written by Carino. I know this is a debate and everything but I will just relate this story from my point of view.
Yes, I come from a situation whereby I don't remember my father playing anything with me. In fact, my father separated with mom when I was barely 3-years old. Memories of all my childhood I have on parenting it's of my mom and my mom only.
I feel that those who have or had the luxury of knowing their dads well and have a good relationship with them often underestimate the need for a father figure in any given child's life.
I have always wondered how I would react if my dad was a part of my life and became a strict dad. Because I never had the luxury of knowing him, I am of the opinion that I would rebel against him being strict and tell him where to get off. This is only because I never had the opportunity of having the experience of a father-child dynamic. When sometimes life goes tough, even though my dad never paid my R5.50 school fees at Sub A, I think I would go see him and confide in him because I sometimes feel my mom can't deal with my every big issue. Sometimes fatherhood isn’t about money, it’s about emotional support.
As Carino puts it, a FATHER is someone who is Faithfully Available To His child's Every Right.
I have always envied children bragging about their dads buying them bicycles and sweets and all the works. I grew up a money-wise kid, due to my mom's teachings = Always remember home. Sometimes when I spoil myself, I feel guilty and ask myself what about my family back home? Instead of me dinning out, why not send half of the money to mom and buy braai packs at Shoprite? It may sound funny but it's my reality.
My mom only came back home twice a month and only on weekends. She had a job at an old age home as a nurse and also had a gig at a street market in town. In fact, when she got retrenched from work while I was at varsity, it was those little R1 and R0.50 that paid my varsity fees. I would always go help her at the market during school holidays and tell her to go home and rest since the town was a lil bit away from home.
I said to myself, If my dad was alive, I was gonna go to social workers to force him pay for my school fees. Sometimes I wish I knew the real him, got to cheerish the best of times with him. Whenever I post something like this on Father's Day on Facebook, people tell me I perhaps wouldn't be what I am today if he was a part of my life.
The underlying factor here is that moms can be fathers, in fact, they can be dads. If you read The Shack by William Paul Young, you will know that a mom can be a dad. In the book, the main character had a sour relationship with the dad and only knew a father as someone who is heartless. It happened that God needed to meet with the main character, Mackezie Allen Phillips. God presented Himself to Mackenzie as a woman. Because Mack didn't know a father can love. He was under the opinion that only a mother can love. In order for Mack to understand that God loves him despite life's harsh realities, God presented himself as a woman so he can understand that God loves him just as his mom loved him
Therefore, if a father is termed the head of the family, the provider, the protector and the man of the house, when he is absent, surely mothers can be termed all these great nouns. For me to understand the love of a father, I will always think of my mother and say, this is my mom and dad. In fact, on my 21st, I did tell my mom that she is my mom and dad.
In the absence of fathers & moms left to raise their 4 or 5 children on their own, surely this woman deserves to be hunoured both on Mother's Day and Father's Day. Akere she plays these roles in my life simalteneously without any male assistance. Don’t you ask yourselves why when young children are fed all sorts of lies about their dads and are refused to visit their fathers, when they grow up, they go back to their fathers. Even an adopted child, he or she will want to know who their real parents are.
When I wished my mom a very happy Father's Day on Facebook yesterday, my friends started posting all sorts of things on their statuses equating my hunouring mom to confusion and bitterness. I am not bitter, it's just I don't want to become a man that my father was. I want to be a father that my daughter will be very very and very proud of. I will over-compensate all the time I am with my daughter.
Moms can be dads by the virtue of their enormous capabilities, sacrifices, unselfishness, compromises and a whole lot of other nouns associated with men/fathers.
In 2009, I read a book called Teenage Tata, Voices of young fathers in South Africa. The books takes " a fresh and in-depth portrait of impoverished young South African men who became fathers while teenagers. It provides space for their articulate and impassioned voices to be heard amidst the outcry against the absence of fathers, and offers insights into young fathers’ personal, emotional, financial and cultural struggles as they come to terms with fatherhood. The study[book] highlights young fathers’ strong sense of responsibility; poignant accounts of emotional engagement with their children and the women in their lives; the motivating power of young fathers’ own absent fathers on their parenting intentions; their desire for sex- and relationship-education from male family members and their clear recognition of the help they need."
I find myself relating to the teenage fathers in that I intend to be present and ever-loving dad to my daughter. I found myself shedding a tear when reading the book.
Therefore, if you don't have a father, for me as an individual, I firmly believe that my mom deserves the title by default because she earned it. Those with single moms out there can agree that Moms are the best dads ever.